Boy Movies #57

A belated ins and outs list

Welcome to the first issue of Boy Movies of 2024, whether you’re returning here from 2023 or you find yourself here for the first time. That’s not me being cocky, there actually are more of you than there were when I signed off right before the holidays and I don’t want it to go unacknowledged. Hi! I know a lot of you found your way here because my friend Geoff very kindly mentioned Boy Movies in Fran Magazine’s Best of 2023 extravaganza issue (THANKS GEOFF AND FRAN MAG!!!!!!), which thrills me. I hope you have fun and don’t unsubscribe after I inevitably say something rude and weird. I’m not really sure how else to welcome everyone in/introduce myself, so I’ll just throw a few links below and get back to business as usual:

• BOY MOVIES STICKERS! It’s as good of a time as any to buy some imo…

• You can follow me on the website formerly known as Twitter — it’s mostly retweets these days, but I’m still very much there… lurking… watching…

• You can also follow me on Letterboxd, a platform I am addicted to using

Boy Movies 2024 ins and outs

Is it too late to do this? I was on hiatus when everyone else was making their little lists, which either means no one cares anymore (…does anyone ever care…) OR that this is actually the perfect time to unveil mine, since the market is no longer oversaturated. I genuinely thought about these for a while and none of them are up for discussion. Thank you.

👍 IN 👍

Creatures and the like
In 2024 we’re getting a new Planet of the Apes and a new Godzilla/Kong face-off and Nosferatu and a movie where Jason Statham, I think, plays a beekeeper out for revenge??? (Okay? Fuck yeah?) There’s that sand worm in y’alls little Dune 2. Cynthia Erivo is going green. I’m sure Barry Keoghan, a creature in human form, has some shit lined up. And, of course, Venom will slither back on our screens. Boy Movies can officially dub 2024 as Year of the Creature.

Threesomes
Challengers and The Breaking Ice are picking up where Passages left off. As Straightiolab recently proclaimed, MMF is particularly in this year, but mark my words that we will see many threesomes — sexual and non-sexual — across our vast film landscape this year. The world is ready.

Accents
There is a vast landscape of “Russian” accents in the Kraven the Hunter trailer. There’s whatever Tom Hardy’s doing in The Bikeriders. I have no doubt in my mind Gaga will pull some shit as Harley Quinn. For the rest of the year we will be on ACCENT WATCH.

Sony’s Spider-Man-free Spider-Man film universe
Whether you like it or not, the Sony Spider-Man movies that do not actually feature Spider-Man are here to stay. This year, we’re getting a gorgeous trio: Madame Web, Kraven the Hunter, and Venom 3. With Marvel dead in a ditch (more on that later), it is the gutter rat Sony’s time to move in. I say all of this as someone who’s so addicted to playing the Spider-Man PS5 game that it’s kind of ruining my life, but I genuinely like how relentlessly they’re continuing to churn these movies out despite Morbius being so poorly received. Nevertheless she persisted, etc. As you may already know I am a huge Venomaniac, so overall this is great news for me. Where else are we getting shit like “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died”? I’d like to see Christopher Nolan come up with a line like that.

Alt hunks
This is the primary reason why Glen Powell, a guy who would’ve been the most famous person in the world between the years of 2012 and 2014, just can’t seem to happen. Harris Dickinson, Charles Melton, Jeremy Allen White, Barry Keoghan, Paul Mescal, my nemesis J*cob El*rdi… It’s not cool to be superhero jacked anymore. What’s cool is being jacked and starring in a movie distributed by Neon. 

Being butch
Sorry femmes! Kristen Stewart’s gonna be in a movie about lesbian bodybuilders, Austin Butler is sitting mannishly astride a motorcycle, and Anya Taylor-Joy is playing Furiosa. You better buy yourself a beat up leather jacket and learn how to build if you want to get anywhere in 2024.

Having an open dialogue about male celebrities getting cosmetic work done
One of my favorite things to talk about is how Ryan Gosling got a new nose after The Notebook. He’s obviously continued getting work done since — every time I see him in any of the promo for The Fall Guy I’m like, “Jesus.” And don’t even get me started on Barry Keoghan, who has a different face every time I see him. Filler is trending and it’s trending for men specifically. It’s not just women and it never has been!

Just doing whatever
Lee Isaac Chung is directing a sequel to Twister called Twisters. Ethan Coen is going solo with a movie about lesbians on a road trip. Ridley Scott is doing Gladiator 2. They made a Mean Girls movie musical that no one will admit is a musical. And then there’s whatever the fuck is going on with that John Krasinski imaginary friend movie. Okay, fine. It’s like one big shrug after another. No one knows what’s going on and no one knows what they’re doing and yet the output does not slow down. Being random is in!

Confusing white guys with other white guys
Keep doing that, it’s funny.

👋 OUT 👋

Twinks
It pains me to say, but it’s true. Maybe they’ll have a better showing in 2025.

“Part One”s
2023 gave us three movies that were essentially long commercials for their pre-ordered sequels: Mission Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One, Fast X, and Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse. Not one of these movies has a real ending; Fast X literally ends in the middle of a scene. And I’ve had enough! Why the fuck is Wicked being split into two movies and why the fuck are they coming out a year apart??? Finish your damn movies! Which brings me to…

Sequels, threequels, quadruquels, etc.
I was shocked by the list of 2024 movies, which includes, but is not limited to — deep breath — Dune 2, Beetlejuice 2, Gladiator 2, Inside Out 2, Deadpool 3, Kung Fu Panda 4, another Ghostbusters movie, Furiosa, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, Ballerina, Twisters, Joker: Folie à Deux… the list goes on and on and on and exhaustively on. Stop!!!!!!!! Open your notebooks and come up with an ORIGINAL IDEA!!!!!!!

Marvel
HAHAHAHA! Bye ugly!

Bringing your husband
Or, as it’s called in the medical community, “Greta Gerwig disease.” Emily Blunt is a victim of this as well. Look, we did the Barbie experiment, a lot of people made a lot of money, and now it is time to stop. Enough. Ladies, leave your man at home in 2024. (Jennifer Lopez is an exception to this rule.)

Hiring literally any actor off the street to do a voice role in an animated film
Of course Chris Pratt is the biggest offender of this phenomenon at present, but it’s not really his fault. He’s just going to work. No, no, we must blame the studios — gone are the days of Robin Williams going off as the Genie in Aladdin. Gone are the days, even, of Mike Myers as Shrek. Jack Black cannot keep holding down the fort by himself! Now every animated movie either features Chris Pratt as Chris Pratt or Awkwafina as Awkwafina. Give me even one reason why Maya Hawke needs to be in Inside Out 2. Remember when Peter O’Toole voiced the critic in Ratatouille and we all still remember absolutely every line he delivered? I believe we can get back to that.

Comedies without jokes
Comedies aren’t funny anymore, which we know because every TV show that purports to be a comedy is actually a drama, but it applies to movies too. I saw Anyone But You over the weekend and did not laugh once — where were the jokes? Did they forget to write them? Every time people are like “This new rom-com is good” they fail to mention whether the new rom-com is funny. If you just think Sydney Sweeney is hot then you should say that. There needs to be a distinction. To paraphrase the great Zayn Malik, don’t ever claim comedy as you… unless you want to tell me a joke.

Direct-to-streaming releases
Every movie benefits from being seen in a theater. Period!

Jared Leto
That’s quite enough of that now.

Boy movie roundup

“Have you seen Iron Claw yet” this, “have you seen Ferrari yet” that… these are the types of questions I’ve been getting lately from people I encounter in the wild. (The answers are yes and no, respectively.) For anyone curious, here’s a lightning round of thoughts on the boy movies I saw during my time off:

The Iron Claw, dir. Sean Durkin
I kept waiting for it to get good. The thing about Zac Efron is that he’s always been a great actor, it’s just that he’s never been in a movie with A24 branding. He’s the best part of this extremely okay movie, obviously. Harris Dickinson is the second best part. Jeremy Allen White is also there.

The Apartment, dir. Billy Wilder
Had a major “okay, best movie I’ve ever seen alert” moment immediately after finishing this. Single-handedly inspired a Mad Men rewatch.

The Village, dir. M. Night Shyamalan
2023 was my year of becoming a major M. Night head. The dude rocks. Perfect movie. Makes you want to fall in love.

Flight, dir. Robert Zemeckis
So basically Flight is a movie about Denzel playing a drunk pilot who SAVES ALL BUT SIX OF THE PASSENGERS ON HIS PLANE, WHICH GOES DOWN NOT BECAUSE HE IS DRUNK BUT BECAUSE OF SOME MECHANICAL ISSUE, and then — spoiler for a movie that came out in 2012 — he goes to prison anyway. Okay. Fuck you. Free the homie. Pretty much unwatchable if not for Denzel, who is typically transcendent.

How to Blow Up a Pipeline, dir. Daniel Goldhaber
Cassidy and I could not believe how mediocre this was. Everyone lied to us! Bad acting, bad script, would have benefitted from being about twenty minutes longer (I know, that’s blasphemous to say these days). A movie seemingly made by someone who found out there’s a climate crisis two hours before production began.

Wonka, dir. Paul King
I liked it better than The Iron Claw, that’s for sure! A movie that dares to ask, what if Willy Wonka had autism? Pitch: We all start calling Timothée Chalamet “Wonka” the way we’re calling Bradley Cooper “Maestro.”