Boy Movies #69
First of all, nice, second of all, here's a special edition issue
You’re reading Boy Movies, a newsletter. I am so sincerely happy to have you here as we celebrate our 69th issue. Nice.
Today’s issue of Boy Movies is a special one, because you only ever get one 69th issue. Inspired by Apple Music’s 100 Best Albums of all time, I present to you the definitive Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies of all time. The Apple Music 100 Best Albums Wikipedia page states that the list is an “editorial statement,” and the same can certainly be said of this ranking, as well as of most things. The Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies is a mix of my own opinions, solicited opinions from select members of the Boy Movies extended family, and cold hard facts. My hope is that everyone on earth loves it and agrees with all of my choices and it doesn’t cause a social media uproar that launches Boy Movies to infamy… she says, lying…
Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies
100. The Godfather Part II
If we’re truth telling, I am in the rare camp that prefers Part I, but again, this list is about cold hard facts, and the fact is that all men must at some point go back to their father’s childhood in order to understand why they’re so fucked up.
99. The Hangover franchise
Paging Doctor [REDACTED]! Won’t anyone page Doctor [REDACTED] anymore? Unfortunately, due to woke, the answer is no. Happy Pride.
98. I, Robot or Hancock (I keep getting them confused)
One of these movies was written by Vince Gilligan and one of them features Will Smith driving a car without a steering wheel. It is impossible to tell which is which.
97. That British pub TikTok
Resplendent. Dudes rock.
96. The films of Christopher Nolan
From my beloved Inception to my barely tolerated Interstellar to my loathed Tenet, the contributions of Christopher Nolan to the boy movie genre are nearly unparalleled, aside from the 95 other contributions to the boy movie genre that beat him out on this list. In any case, congratulations on making it to #96, Mr. Nolan. It’s a commendable effort.
95. The Shining
Every single day of my life I walk outside and immediately see some man wearing a t-shirt with Jack Nicholson’s face in this godforsaken movie emblazoned on it. Are you happy now? It’s on the list. You all got what you wanted. Can you give it a rest?
94. Whiplash
The Devil Wears Prada for boys.
93. Dune I guess
Fuck you.
92. The Wolf of Wall Street
The Boy Movies newsletter once claimed that Leonardo DiCaprio is pretty hot in this movie. And we stand by it.
91. Whatever Star War you think should be here
Not my culture but congratulations to the Star Wars community on placing.
90. Every Ocean’s movie except Ocean’s Eight
The original Ocean’s triology is about the great tradition of dudes rocking meanwhile the feminist Ocean’s Eight has James Corden. Nasty.
89. Skyfall
Obsessed with the part in this movie where Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem are like, “It’s time to fuck.”
88. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Men are literally obsessed with Gene Wilder.
87. War movies, all
They’re dad movies but they’re also boy movies. It’s complicated, which is why I could not in good conscience put every war movie ever made higher than #87.
86. Jurassic Park
Spielberg. Dinosaurs. Sam Neill accepting that he DOES have paternal instincts. Laura Dern convincing a generation of normal guys that they could date her. Boy movie.
85. Those GQ videos where male celebrities lie about keeping books on their person at all times
It’s time to be real. Or perhaps not, since their lies got them on the Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies list.
84. An Indiana Jones movie I’m sure
Another Harrison Ford-led franchise that has not managed to make any notable impact on my life…
83. Dog Day Afternoon
Gay but boy.
82. Reservoir Dogs
Gay but boy.
81. Slumdog Millionaire
What if life was hard but it turned you into a genius and also you had a sexy girlfriend? Many such cases, but only one cracked the top 100. (Sorry, Good Will Hunting.)
80. Superbad
Gay but boy.
79. Rocky
Romantic but boy.
78. Creed
Any older man you meet in life can become your dad.
77. 8 Mile
Do you remember when they had Eminem randomly perform Lose Yourself at the Oscars a few years ago? Did we ever figure out what the hell that was about?
76. WALL-E
This is such a boy movie they put it in the damn Criterion Collection.
75. Mission: Impossible - Fallout
I said all I needed to say on this matter last July.
74. Deadpool
The Deadpool movies are a vestige of an era where men being gay with each other could be a hilarious punchline. Amen.
73. Deadpool 2
The jokes got even dumber and they added Josh Brolin. Amen.
72. Do the Right Thing
What if we were boys and it was hot outside and John Turturro was saying slurs at the pizzeria?
71. A Clockwork Orange
If a man isn’t wearing his Shining t-shirt it is because he is already wearing his Clockwork Orange t-shirt.
70. The forthcoming Megalopolis
Romy Mars, please get Nonno back to bed.
69. Maestro
Nice.
68. The Nice Guys
Unfortunately I fear the smoke this movie got for being “underrated” completely shattered Ryan Gosling’s brain. But nevertheless it earns a spot on this prestigious list… it’s true what they say about awards…
67. The Other Guys
One of the big jokes of this movie is that Will Ferrell is married to Eva Mendes btw.
66. The Entourage movie
Which I saw in theaters, mind you.
65. The South Park movie
Remember when we used to do this?
64. In Bruges
“Do you know a boy who loves In Bruges? I’m sure you do.” -Boy Movies, 2022
63. Alien
Now, you may think this one is a girl movie but unfortunately boys hold eternal claim over it. And that is because Sigourney Weaver is a boy actress.
62. Predator
It’s literally called Predator…
61. Alien vs. Predator
Remember when we used to do THIS? What’s more boy than getting two alien monsters from unconnected franchises to fight each other?
60. Step Brothers
Adam McKay wants us to forget. We will not forget.
59. Inglourious Basterds
Eli Roth shooting Hitler to death with a machine gun literally sounds like a parody of a scene from a boy movie. But it happened in Inglourious Basterds.
58. The John Wick franchise
The haters said a guy from New Jersey couldn’t crack the Boy Movies Top 100 Boy Movies list… well… look at this.
57. That movie where Edward Norton plays the Hulk
Love when he can’t have sex with Liv Tyler because he’ll Hulk out. Hell yeah.
56. Mad Max: Fury Road
Easy to mistake this for a girl movie, but do not let yourself be fooled by all the skinny actresses playing sex slaves. There are too many nasty freaks driving vehicles through the desert for this to be anything but a boy movie. And then they went and gave it a “black and chrome edition,” whatever that means? Gimme a break.
55. Ford v Ferrari
Two types of cars.
54. Cars
Many types of cars, and they talk.
53. Speed
Bus.
52. North by Northwest
Train.
51. Taxi Driver
Incel cab.
50. Drive
What if I was a nonverbal stunt driver with a sick jacket?
49. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s Oscar speech
“We’re just really two young guys…”
48. The Wire (if you watch it all at once it’s like a really long movie)
So basically if you watch The Wire all at once it’s like a really long movie.
47. Tropic Thunder
The international reverberations of Tom Cruise’s appearance in this movie… as later parodied in One Direction’s Best Song Ever music video which sadly did not make this list…
46. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
What if we were two straight guys who had to get gay married? A richer text than anyone is ready to admit.
45. The Fast and Furious franchise
And we extend our congratulations to the entire familia.
44. Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Nerd boys frankly did not deserve this platform.
43. That Michael Fassbender sex addiction movie
“What if Michael Fassbender had a sex addiction” is the most 2011 movie concept of all time.
42. The Waterboy
Right.
41. Oldboy
Uh huh.
40. Boyhood
Exactly.
39. Boyz n the Hood
Period.
38. That’s My Boy
Yes.
37. Bad Boys
And they’re still making these.
36. The many Jackasses
Love and light but I don’t believe that gender parity should apply to the Jackass franchise.
35. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Some of us are old enough to remember a time where you simply could not go anywhere without witnessing a man doing an Ace Ventura impression…
34. Armageddon
I imagine being a boy during the era where Michael Bay was making Oscar movies was like being on cocaine constantly.
33. The Thing
What if we were all boys and we were in the arctic and there was a murderous shapeshifting alien among us…
32. The Top Guns
Incredibly boy to make an okay ‘80s movie and then in 2022 make a sequel that literally saves the entire concept of movie theaters.
31. Edge of Tomorrow
Emily Blunt boy actress.
30. Training Day
Hate this movie but cannot deny facts. As previously stated this is a fact-based list.
29. The two movies my uncle is always telling me to watch
Animal House and Caddyshack.
28. Spider-Man
True.
27. Rain Man
True.
26. Iron Man
True.
25. Yes Man
True.
24. A Serious Man
True.
23. Men in Black
True.
22. All the President’s Men
True.
21. 12 Angry Men
True.
20. Grumpy Old Men
True.
19. No Country for Old Men
True.
18. David Fincher’s Gone Girl director’s commentary
“Being from Boston, and not being very professional as an actor, Ben refused to wear a Yankees cap, and we — I mean, did not come to blows, but we had to shut down production for four days as we negotiated with Patrick Whitesell over what would be the best thing for the movie, what Patrick thought would be the best way to meet the requirements of production, and something that his client could live with, which I thought was… entirely unprofessional.”
17. CGI The Rock in The Mummy Returns
God smiled.
16. Moneyball
I have to be honest I haven’t seen this and never will but it was suggested by many trusted associates and the Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies list is a democratic endeavor.
15. Milk
Casting Sean Penn as Harvey Milk is in itself a hate crime. Happy Pride.
14. Her
If the man from the above messages is reading this Boy Movies would love to interview you.
13. Boogie Nights
I bet you were starting to think Paul Thomas Anderson would not grace the hallowed halls of the Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies… but you failed to consider how high Mark Wahlberg with an enormous fake dick would place…
12. Transformers
Megan Fox boy actress.
11. The Departed
Unfortunately it did not crack the top 10, but the Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies list was bound to be full of upsets.
10. Blurred Lines music video
I literally dare you to try watching this in 2024.
9. That video of Michael Bay finding out FedEx fucked up the cake Tom Cruise sent him
8. Click
Why Does Adam Sandler’s ‘Click’ Make Men Cry?
7. Gladiator
Every single person I showed this list to in advance got to this one and said, “Oh, obviously.”
6. The films of Michael Mann
5. Jason Statham’s many projects
And we celebrate him.
4. That video of Tom Cruise jumping out of the plane while screaming about movies
You say he’s mentally ill, I say he’s #4 on the Boy Movies 100 Best Boy Movies list.
3. The Social Network
Did you know there are more people with genius IQs living in China than there are people of any kind living in the United States? Don’t fish eat other fish, the marlins and the trout? Did I adequately answer your condescending question? If one domino goes, the other dominos go, don't you get that? And what was your ownership share diluted down to? Long-time readers already know, of course.
2. That movie where the train came at the screen
The 1890s equivalent to VFX guys were like, “Holy fucking shit.” And that’s on boy movies.
1. The boy reading this <3
Boy Movies loves you.
To me, Emily Blunt was a girl actress in her The Devil Wears Prada era but she is definitely a boy actress now (hello Oppenheimer). I blame John Krasinski for the shift tbh
The family clicks on my Netflix recommendations and says " oh, more car chases and guns " :) Glad to find comfort in this list. Brilliant!