Boy Movies #71

2024 ins and outs: Was I right?

Welcome back to Boy Movies, a newsletter. If you want more from me, I’m on Letterboxd. If you like what I’m doing here, you can support me on Ko-fi. Otherwise, let’s get into it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have nothing topical to talk about today. This is complicated when you write a newsletter that alleges to keep up with current events. These days I’ve been alternating between Lost and Entourage as my chosen TV shows, and the last movie I watched was the original Twister. It’s Living In The Past Girl Summer, and I’m just trying to get through these hot hot hot days. I have not yet seen the big new movie everyone’s talking about — Twisters — and therefore cannot categorize it as a boy or girl movie, though I might lean girl. In terms of destructive weather events, tornadoes seem the most womanly. Also, Twister is kind of a girl movie as it’s primarily about female trauma and calling off your divorce. But whatever! Because of that, and to commemorate the halfway point of the year (???) I’m instead going to be checking in on the declarations that I so confidently made back in January’s Boy Movies 2024 ins and outs issue to figure out how right or wrong I was. Let’s just say I might be a seer.

👍 INS? 👍

Creatures and the like: RIGHT
From “Feyd Rautha” to the very many apes to those ugly little freaks that are trying to kill Lupita Nyong'o, there have been more creatures in 2024 than I could have ever planned for at the beginning of the year. And we haven’t even gotten to Nosferatu! I believe it is also a big year for those who find creatures and the like hot to announce, loudly and repeatedly, that they find creatures and the like hot. Happy for you all, but please keep it out of my face. 

Threesomes: RIGHT
Perhaps my most accurate prediction. It is now socially acceptable — if not expected — to point at any three people standing near each other and say, “This is my Challengers.” Challengers is a girl movie, but boy movies are hard at work on this too: Did anyone know The Bikeriders was also going to be about a reluctant throuple? The point of an “in” is to be so in it becomes inescapable, which the idea of the threesome — sexual and non-sexual — has. Boom, done.

Accents: RIGHT
There’s Mia Goth continuing to do whatever it is Mia Goth does, as well as the amazing array of accents on display in The Bikeriders, and Margaret Qualley attempting some approximation of a southern drawl in Drive-Away Dolls, a movie seen by ten people (I was one of them). I rest my case.

Sony’s Spider-Man-free Spider-Man film universe: WE’RE WAITING, BUT EVENTUALLY I WILL BE RIGHT
Madame Web continues to impact my life to this day, but the movie my serotonin levels are anxiously awaiting, Venom: The Last Dance, will not storm the world stage until October, and unfortunately Kraven the Hunter got moved to December. Let’s come back to this one.

Alt hunks: RIGHT, BUT GLEN POWELL NEEDS TO BE MONITORED
Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist were working overtime, and then Glen Powell shoved them out of the way to find his spotlight. Since he’s the only guy of this nature we really have right now, I’m still going to say I was correct here, but I’m suspicious of the future. Will the rise of Glen bring more Glens upon us? Are we even capable of producing more Glens? It’s crazy that someone made participating in Brat summer look heterosexual, but if anyone was capable of that it was always going to be Glen Powell.

Hmmmmm…

Being butch: RIGHT
Furiosa, Love Lies Bleeding, and, again, The Bikeriders (this movie is doing a lot, both on this list and in my life). Hugh Jackman will soon return to the screen as the butchest guy of all, Wolverine, which is apparently making grown men cry — amazing. Being butch is so hot right now that it’s bringing the boys to tears!

Having an open dialogue about male celebrities getting cosmetic work done: RIGHT, BUT YOU ALL NEED TO WORK WITH ME
Glen Powell’s smooth forehead? Ryan Gosling’s puffed up visage? Harry Styles’ most recent hair transplant? J*hn M*laney’s new jaw? Whatever — and of course I say this respectfully, as he is a good friend of mine — Ben Affleck just did to his face? Don’t even get me started on my beloved Zac Efron’s everything, that one does hurt. The discussion is opening up, but it needs to be LOUDER. Every single man with the means to get work done is getting work done! Don’t be afraid to mention it!

Just doing whatever: LITERALLY SO RIGHT
For me, I think the recent peak of “just doing whatever” was when they stuck “No Church in the Wild” in the Gladiator 2 trailer. This did not infuriate me the way it for some reason infuriated a lot of guys online, but it was very, “Okay, random!” We all just continue to do whatever, and we never stop trucking along. 2024 is about saying yes, but not really knowing what you’re saying yes to or what you’ll be doing when you get there. Do you know what I mean?

Confusing white guys with other white guys: FELL OFF, BUT WE CAN BRING IT BACK
This keeps happening with the guys on House of the Dragon, who all look exactly alike to me, and yet sources say they’re different people. (I do not watch House of the Dragon.) Let’s start mixing them up again, it’s fun!

👋 OUTS? 👋

Twinks: RIGHT
I have seen nary a twink in months. It’s over, babe.

“Part One”s: SPIRITUALLY I WAS RIGHT BUT AT WHAT COST; SEE NEXT ITEM ON THE LIST

Sequels, threequels, quadruquels, etc.: SPIRITUALLY I WAS RIGHT BUT HOLLYWOOD AS WELL AS THE GENERAL MOVIEGOING PUBLIC DO NOT AGREE
I actually have never been more wrong. Not only are these things not out, but they’re making zillions of dollars. It’s true what they say: Boy Movies can’t win ‘em all, especially when we’re up against Bad Boys: Ride or Die.

Marvel: RIGHT, THOUGH WE HAVE TO MONITOR DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE
Perhaps the best thing about 2024 is that Marvel has mercifully been quiet all year. Let’s remain vigilant and keep a close eye on how cocky they get after the third Deadpool is unleashed into the world…

Bringing your husband: JURY’S OUT
Results inconclusive due to lack of evidence. I absolutely hated Civil War, a film that features both halves of the Dunst-Plemons family, but it wasn’t, like, because of them. With a few months of distance, I now believe this to be a reactionary addition due to my dislike of the Greta Gerwig-Noah Baumbach industrial complex. Maybe it can’t be out due to never really being in? 

Hiring literally any actor off the street to do a voice role in an animated film: HARD TO TELL
Maya Hawke in Inside Out 2 does give me Any Actor Off The Street, but you all really seem to like her, so what do I know? Truthfully, I think we’re lacking enough animated films this year to really be able to make a call! Sure, everyone was mad about Chris Pratt voicing Garfield when it got announced, but did anybody even see the movie? In googling The Garfield Movie just now to confirm that the few who saw it hated it (they did), I learned that Nicholas Hoult apparently voiced Jon. While I congratulate one of my favorite guys on getting a check, I think this might tip the scale in my favor. 

Comedies without jokes: RIGHT, BUT ALSO, WHERE ARE THE COMEDIES?
I’ve watched a collection of very unfunny movies that purport to be comedies this year (Family Affair, The Idea of You, Drive-Away Dolls) but the general dearth of comedies in general does bum me out. I’d like to laugh, wouldn’t you?

Direct-to-streaming releases: RIGHT; HIT MAN WAS NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS MANY OF YOU LED ME TO BELIEVE
It was fine. But you know what was even worse? The Idea of You. Family Affair. Unfrosted. Atlas. That Brad Pitt-George Clooney movie also looks atrocious, designed to be watched in fifteen minute increments on an Apple watch. If no one’s even gonna bother to make these movies good, it’s time to end this scourge on our society once and for all.

Jared Leto: RIGHT; DID I KILL HIM?
No one’s heard from this guy since Boy Movies banished him. You tell me.