Boy Movies #75
Time to rank Ghostfaces
You’re reading Boy Movies, a newsletter about movies for boys. If you’re dying to keep up with me between issues, I’m on Letterboxd, and if you like what I’m doing here you can support me on Ko-fi <3
Full disclosure: Today’s issue was supposed to be about my beloved Venom film series, but due to factors outside of my control I was unable to attend last night’s Venom: The Last Dance AMC fan event (one of these days I will learn what a “fan event” is but that day is not today… and it wasn’t yesterday either…) that I had previously reserved tickets1 for. Don’t worry, I’m seeing it tomorrow, but it felt incorrect to do an entire Venom issue without the full Venom picture. So here’s what you’re getting instead! Okay, anyway…
Liver alone! 🤪
One thing about the term “spooky season” is that I hate it. I honestly don’t really like Halloween very much, nor do I much like the month of October. There are things about Halloween I enjoy: tacky and creative decorations, Ryan Gosling’s short-lived Dead Man’s Bones project, that Kim Petras album, Boo Oreos2. But generally this is a holiday for children that I think adults could stand to be a little less into. Sorry! I’m sure part of this is because of the fact that my brave era — aka watching scary movies — only began a year or two ago and I was always resentful of people who could enjoy them while I was so paralyzed with fear. Brave era 2024 update btw: I recently watched The Invisible Man WHILE HOME ALONE and not only found it phenomenally stupid but didn’t get scared at all. I’m evolving!
With all that being said, I do simply love to be on theme. I’ve been wanting to do a Scream issue since I started Boy Movies; it’s a franchise that I find to be perfectly confounding mix of boy and girl themes. They don’t fit easily into either category, is the thing. They’re movies about movies, which is pretty boy, but they also have an excellent, wide-ranging roster of women characters who, remarkably, feel like real people. Not to mention Kevin Williamson’s gay ass comedy style… and the pure drama of putting on a costume to do murder… listen, it’s complicated. I thought about ranking the films — let the record stand that a bad Scream movie has never been made, there are just some that are better than others — but the concept seemed too daunting, so in the spirit of the season, I’m doing the next best thing: ranking all of Scream’s psycho killers from least to most boy. It’s tough not to look at every iteration of Ghostface and go, “Okay, diva!” but in the interest of creating an honest list, I tried to examine the freak behind the mask. I know I’ve been leaning hard on rankings lately, but in my defense, THEY’RE FUN!!!
A note about how the ranking was made: This is for serious Ghostfaces only. Please don’t talk to me about periphery Ghostfaces like Rory Culkin in Scream 4 and Tony Revolori in Scream VI.
The Boy Movies Ghostface ranking, from least to most boy
8. Jill Roberts, Scream 4 (2011)
She ran headfirst into that god damn mirror. Making the final girl the killer is maybe the least boy thing the franchise has ever done. Also, Jill’s main objective is that she wants to be famous. She would’ve made an amazing Real Housewife. I love this bitch!!!!! Rest in peace, queen!!!!!
7. Roman Bridger, Scream 3 (2000)
Look, this isn’t about how you personally feel about Scream 3 (I earnestly love it) or whether you think it was a stupid choice to have a late-in-the-series half-sibling reveal3 who, surprise, has actually been responsible for the Ghostface epidemic the whole time. This is a fact-based list, and the fact is that I really struggled with Roman’s placement. What is one to do with the guy who’s so upset that his mommy didn’t love him that he starts an entire killing spree which is primarily based around wearing a swishy, dramatic outfit? It’s boy and it’s girl. For that reason, Roman comes in seventh.
6. Detective Bailey, Scream VI (2023)
Dad’s mad somebody killed his son. Bummer! I honestly didn’t know where to put this guy. Perhaps he is neither boy nor girl. He is Just Dad.
5. Mickey Altieri, Scream 2 (1997)
Boy points for being a college cinephile, girl points for letting Laurie Metcalf manipulate him.
4. Mrs. Loomis, Scream 2 (1997)
Fear the boy mom.
3. Amber Freeman, Scream (2022)
Saying that Reddit radicalized her is the most boy thing ever, second only to being in a murder duo with her boyfriend. Amber isn’t like other girls.
2. Billy Loomis & Stu Macher, Scream (1996)
They were gay but they were also FILM BROS.
1. Richie Kirsch, Scream (2022)
Much like when noted Elvis obsessive Nicolas Cage was briefly married to Lisa Marie Presley, Richie only dates Sam because she’s Billy Loomis’s daughter. Getting so pissed off about a movie being bad that it makes you start killing people is, like, laughably boy. Amen and happy Halloween.
Just one ticket for myself. Nobody in my life wanted to go with me. <3
Please sponsor me, Oreos. I love you so much.
Lost also did this…