Boy Movies #77

Conclave will win Best Picture at the Boy Movies awards

This is Boy Movies blah blah blah you know the rest.

The eternally wise George Civeris once said, “Another banner week for people pissing me off…” and I am yet again finding myself agreeing with him. It really has been another banner week for people pissing me off. I apologize, as I’m aware that this is the second issue in a row where I’ve come on this bitch mad as hell, but it’s just that there’s so much to be mad about these days.

I was going to write a whole diatribe about the Sebastian Stan/Actors on Actors mess, but I got tired just thinking about it, and I just don’t have a talent for political commentary. Look, obviously Boy Movies stands with Sebastian Stan and — I fucking guess, I can’t believe everyone’s being so goddamn annoying that I even have to say this — defends The Apprentice (which, for the record, is an absolutely fine movie, a solid three stars at most) and its right to exist as a work of art.¹ As much as he played a significant role in permanently changing my brain chemistry in 2014 (iykyk), I of course don’t know Sebastian Stan personally and I hesitate to revere the moral character of any actor. But I have to respect him for re-entering the world of Movies For Adults this year with A Different Man² and The Apprentice, two films about subjects his peers are too cowardly to have honest discussions about. Anyone wringing their hands over the thought of talking about Donald Trump with an actor who played him in a movie should probably stop wondering why the Democrats lost the election, and anyone who thinks that playing Donald Trump is synonymous with endorsing Donald Trump should probably check themselves into a hospital expeditiously. Seek treatment, I beg.

Anyway Thunderbolts in theaters May 2025.

Your eminence…

If there’s anything that’s been bringing me joy lately it’s Conclave. Have you seen Conclave? Do you know about Conclave? Are you fucking freaks absolutely loving Conclave? To me, Conclave is the movie of the year. Please don’t ask me if I’ve seen either half of “Glicked” yet (and please stop saying “Glicked” to me, it makes me feel ill). The answer is no, relax, I will, give me a few days, PLEASE. In any case, I feel confident in saying that I probably won’t enjoy Wicked or Gladiator II as much as I enjoyed Conclave — that’s just who I am, baby.

Conclave feels like a particularly remarkable case for 2024’s movie offerings. It had those exciting, if not slightly baffling, trailers, all of which made it feel as though it had come out of thin air. I was in no rush to see it until, suddenly, everyone was asking me if I’d seen it “yet.” (I’ve since seen it twice.) What do you mean the girls online are calling it “the cunty pope movie”??? Huh? Have you all lost your minds? I expect very little going into movies nowadays, holding onto the hope that I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I happen to love it without running the risk of being severely let down if I’m underwhelmed. But Edward Berger’s shamelessly pulpy, entirely absorbing Conclave, which centers on a particularly messy papal conclave gathering to elect the next pope, is an absolute joy.

Conclave is many things: the ideal middlebrow movie, a near-thriller, a science fiction fantasy about the liberal leanings of the Catholic church that laughably hand waves a lot of details, a reminder that Stanley Tucci is a really likable actor and not just a cookbook salesman. It’s a film that finally answers the eternal question of “What if a bunch of priests competed for the chance to become America’s Next Top Model?” As many have pointed out, it’s a film about the day to day of Nancy Pelosi. But for the purposes of this newsletter, I must point out that Conclave is also a film about boys hanging out.

I’ve lamented the lack of male-driven comedies before. I pine for these types of movies, which is perhaps one of the reasons Conclave feels like such a lovely brain massage. While it isn’t billed as a comedy, much of Conclave is incredibly funny: the conservative Italian cardinal hitting his vape mid-argument, Ralph Fiennes breaking into the dead pope’s apartment to pore over damning documents, Isabella Rossellini as “Nun.” Those goofy elements aren’t the only reasons it’s become such solid meme fodder — the movie about gossipy guys over 50 being bitches to each other while wearing elaborate outfits was basically designed in a lab to be a huge hit with a specific type of very online person — but they definitely help. The public yearns for stories about men being excessively dramatic.

Conclave traps a group of guys together in a vast but enclosed space, cuts them off from contact with the outside world, and lets them bump up against each other like bugs in an overcrowded jar. Rumors spread, petty arguments break out, someone is always gravely telling someone else they need to speak with them in private. It’s a study of the male desire for power above all, it’s a reflection of our current era, it’s an episode of the Real Housewives. Does its question of faith subplot kind of fall apart by the end? Sure. Does it ultimately make the case that the ancient institution of the church should be upheld? Of course — what else do you expect? And yet, from my view, it’s still everything it needs to be. Conclave, dare I say, gives dudes permission to rock again. Amen for that, brother.

1. Jeremy Strong is great in it <3 I saw it in theaters on opening weekend with a group of five girls <3 He is the people’s princess <3

2. THIS is the movie he should be getting awards attention for, btw. It’s a shame it’s getting eaten by The Apprentice of all things, but Trump will always suck the air out of the room, won’t he?