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As you may have heard by now, people online are fighting about the Italians again. Not since Gaga and Ariana teamed up for “Rain on Me” has there been such a powerful and wide-ranging discussion about people whose last names end in a vowel. This discourse was born out of a question posed over the weekend, with seeming innocence, by Twitter user Ashley Reese: Who was hotter: Young Al Pacino or young Robert De Niro?
Of course, the first response that sprung into many of our minds is why pit two queens against each other? Every other week some toddler “goes viral” for discovering that Pacino and De Niro were hot when they were young; it’s hard to be angry about this, since it means that I, a woman with eyes, get to look at pictures of two hotties. But for some reason, before this horny ass poll stormed the world stage, I’d never thought about which appealed to me more. (Two queens, etc.) And yet, when I went to do my civic duty by casting my vote (which, in an incredible twist, ended in the middle of the Succession election episode) the correct choice came to me with instant, overwhelming clarity.
THE ANSWER IS PACINO!!!
As an Italian American woman and someone often referred to as “Al1” by my loved ones2, I do think my opinion on this matter holds weight. The fact that the poll concluded in a perfect fifty-fifty split feels right, considering that its subjects are the guys who brought that Heat diner scene — a moment of evenly matched honesty, where both are holding the cards — to life. But to me, De Niro hit peak hotness in his forties and fifties (Falling in Love, Jackie Brown…), while Pacino was at his most preternaturally beautiful in his twenties and thirties. Ultimately, it’s a matter of semantics, and how we as a people define “young.”
The reason it seemed appropriate to address this in an issue of Boy Movies is not because I’m a victim of the annoying urge to insert myself into every conversation (or not only because of that, I guess) but because — well, okay, I guess I’ll be the one to say it: Obviously Al Pacino is a girl and Robert De Niro is a boy.
Let me be clear: I am aware that both are treated by culture at large as if they’re boys. I am aware of the way men speak about Pacino. I am aware that Scarface is male culture. This doesn’t negate my point. It’s actually a deeply important part of Pacino’s legacy that men think he’s for them. I became aware of his girl status when I first saw The Godfather many years ago, though I didn’t quite have the words to say it. Imagine being me in high school and seeing Pacino with his big wounded deer eyes, playing the original Kendall Roy3? Imagine feeling what I felt? Perhaps you can imagine it. Perhaps you had a similar experience and understand exactly where I’m coming from. Men think Pacino’s honing of and dedication to his craft makes him some sort of monument to dude cinema. Men also think Dog Day Afternoon is for them, but they’re wrong. Dog Day Afternoon is about a tiny guy who loves his trans wife so much he’s willing to run himself into the ground in her honor. You can’t star in the amount of gay movies Pacino’s starred in and get away with being called an actor for boys. A boy actor couldn’t have done Cruising. A boy actor wouldn’t have done Cruising.
There’s a masculine appeal to De Niro that I understand and respond to. Look, he’s got a big nose and that cute little mole on his face; I really do get it. He’s also clearly still got it — we’re all still reeling from the other reason he’s been in the news lately, aren’t we — and no one, least of all me, is denying that. But there’s a stoic coolness to him that’s in direct contrast to the frantic vibration Pacino, at his best, exudes. (The exception is, of course, De Niro’s performance in Stardust, but dancing around in a pink dress one time isn’t enough to make up for Taxi Driver.) At the risk of sounding too reductive, there’s a gendered aspect there I can’t help being cognizant of.
Anyway, with all that being said: Don’t blame me, I voted for Pacino!
More from me: I wrote about why the new season of The Great (which I loved!) should be its last and interviewed Andrij Parekh about directing Succession’s Election Night special. Boy Movies categorically rejects all you nerds who get overly sensitive about spoilers but idk I guess don’t click either of these links until you finish The Great season 3 and/or watch the new Succession.
On the subject of phenomenal old Italians: This made me cry first thing this morning… oh, Marty!!!
Thanks to beloved mutual Lyvie for inspiring me to air out more of my “[male actor] is a girl, actually” takes <3 I hope I did you proud!
I feel that I deserve to own this $179 shirt that has the lyrics to Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al” printed on the back, in case any reading this is looking for something to get me for my rapidly approaching birthday.
As anyone who’s ever visited the Boy Movies About page already knows…
My brain is gonna be normal after Succession ends, I promise.
So many thoughts! First: 'Al Pacino is a girl and Robert De Niro is a boy' blew my mind. I rejected it out of hand, reflexively, but you are 100% right. Pacino brought a sensitivity to The Godfather that few other actors would've, or could've. And Cruising... well, that's pretty much clinches it.
The link to Marty's quote struck me dead where I stood. I feel the same way about writing. There's not enough time to write everything I want to write, and meanwhile time is slipping by. The fact that someone as accomplished as Marty, or Kurosawa, felt that way, is convicting.