Boy Movies #40
Twenty-five thoughts I had during Red, White & Royal Blue
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Red, White & Royal Blue has been haunting me for years. I read the book, written by Casey McQuiston, shortly after its release in 2019, and found it to be generally mediocre but immensely readable, and fun to talk about because of its mediocrity. For those unaware, the story follows the romance between two young guys; one, if you can even believe it, is the son of the United States of America’s first girlboss president, and the other, listen to this, is an English prince. This is all fine and good. Honestly, I probably would’ve forgotten the book entirely had it not been for the fact that the author may or may not have been (but absolutely was) a prolific Tumblr user during one of its most important eras: The Social Network years. This is something of an open secret; McQuiston has never commented, but those who know… well, we just know. It’s hard to explain the uniquely bizarre 21st century experience of watching someone whose life you kept up with for years via silly blog posts ascend to literary fame. What I do know is that all roads seem to lead back to The Social Network, which is what brings me here today.
This week’s issue was supposed to be about something else, but then Amazon released the film adaptation of Red, White & Royal Blue — which leans girl movie but verges into boy territory every time Taylor Zakhar Perez opens his mouth — and my hand was forced. Here you go!
Twenty-five thoughts I had during Red, White & Royal Blue
This movie looks like goddamn dog doody.
Taylor Zakhar Perez has the screen presence of a porn actor who recently made the jump to Hollywood film. (I mean no disrespect to porn actors.) A Google search tells me he is thirty-one years old, playing twenty-one. This detail will repeatedly occur to me for the duration of the film, about every three to five minutes.
If you took a shot every time the filmmakers deployed Shutterstock-supplied stock footage for a scene transition you would surely die of alcohol poisoning.
Nicholas Galitzine’s lip fillers go crazy.
He’s not ugly enough to be a member of the royal family. None of these people are ugly enough. I’m livid.
I imagine Lil Jon learning his seminal “Get Low” will be used during a scene in Red, White & Royal Blue and smile for the first time in thirty minutes.
Here we have a scene in which two preternaturally beautiful thirtysomethings are standing in front of a green screen on an Amazon-funded backlot in England, snow falling all around them but curiously never landing anywhere near their bodies.
Because I have the limitless self-control of a Zen Buddhist, I have managed to hold myself back from publicly commenting on a widespread piece of misinformation that seems to be getting Mandela Effected into public consciousness, which is that the book Red, White & Royal Blue — and the subsequent film adaptation which is currently holding me hostage — is based on a notorious work of fanfiction from the early 2010s that imagines a world in which Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg fell in love on the set of The Social Network. This is so phenomenally untrue I can barely stand it. I don’t know who started this rumor, but I wish I had the power to personally revoke their access to social media for the damage they have caused countless young minds. It hurts to know how easily falsehoods can spread. The internet was a mistake.
Alex is dressed like Indiana Jones.
Alex is wearing an Apple Watch.
These two keep kissing. There’s a certain desperation to the way they forcefully grab each other’s heads to initiate each of these kisses, as if they’re trying to convince not only the viewer but each other that there’s some level of attraction between them. It looks painful. Actors used to have chemistry, I tell myself, knowing logically that this must be true; that particular collection of words feels so familiar to me — surely I’ve uttered them before? And yet, when I scour the recesses of my mind for such an example, I come up empty. The Red, White & Royal Blue gays are all I know now.
They’re kissing again.
Is Jeff Bezos out of money?
As the British gay guy shoves his knees up around his ears while he has sex with the American gay guy for the first time, I think about the dearth of gay rom-coms. Many bemoan this, which I guess I understand, to a point. I saw Bros (remember Bros?) in theaters on opening weekend (because I’m not homophobic; the same cannot be said of many others…) and thought it was a decently funny movie that was at its best when it managed to shirk the massive chip it had on its shoulder, the cynicism that pervaded the narrative even as it tried, for some reason, to educate its target audience (straight people) about, like, Stonewall, I think?? Red, White & Royal Blue’s target audience doesn’t exactly seem to be straight people, but it’s certainly not gay men either. (Is it teen girls?) The Birdcage, which came out in 1996, probably remains the best “mainstream” gay romantic comedy; we have not yet been able to improve on the magic Mike Nichols and Elaine May made together, and it’s not even really about romance. (That said, it’s one of the most romantic movies ever made, imo.) The thing is, rom-coms are largely very bad now, most churned out by the likes of Netflix without a second thought, while the good ones — like Fire Island, which I loved, or Jennifer Lawrence’s pretty funny No Hard Feelings — are few and far between. My controversial take is that the heyday of the rom-com is over, for straights and gays alike, which I think is fine. If things should only exist to satisfy some “this should exist because of representation” argument, then it probably does not actually need to exist? We can move on; we don’t need to “what if Ocean’s Eleven but with women” everything.
Oh okay so here I see that they have just finished having sex and now Alex is lamenting that people in “positions of power” don’t “look like him.” I guess he means there aren’t enough Chads in politics these days? Not since Reagan, anyway!
I could write a book.
I could write a movie.
Bare ass shot but it is being played for laughs. Unbelievable.
WAS THAT A KENDALL ROY REFERENCE????????????? You better get out of my house!!!!!!!
Uma Thurman’s forehead is so smooth — frozen, and therefore devoid of expression. For what will certainly not be the last time in my life, I reflect on the disintegration of her marriage to Ethan Hawke in the mid-2000s. He was cheating on her with their kids’ nanny; I wonder what sorts of emotions her forehead was able to convey when she learned of his infidelity.
Nicholas Galitzine thinks he’s in Call Me by Your Name.
“Get the Book,” threatens the rectangular widget in the left corner of my screen when I touch my laptop’s trackpad in order to check how much of this movie is left (thirty-seven minutes). If I hadn’t lost the will to live over the past hour and a half I could perhaps find it in me to scoff at the sinister quality of this (SPEND MONEY SPEND MONEY SPEND MONEY SPEND MONEY ON AMAZON FREE TWO DAY SHIPPING YOU NEED THIS BOOK YOU MUST BUY IT HERE THERE’S A SPECIAL MOVIE TIE-IN COVER SPEND MONEY BUY IT) though it’s hard to be on my high horse about anything when I logged into the Amazon Prime account I pay for in order to watch this film in the first place. Things are so bleak and I am to blame?
First they came for Gaga and I did not speak out. Then they came for Lana and I did not speak out. Then they came for me (played Perfume Genius’ cover of “Can’t Help Falling In Love”) — and there was no one left to speak for me.
Alex keeps his Apple Watch on to meet the king of England1.
Now how the hell would a member of the royal family be allowed to attend an American election party, let alone walk on stage with the first family as they celebrate the absolute science fiction that is the concept of the Democrats flipping Texas? Maybe it’s on me for asking questions. The credits roll and I click out of the movie, feeling nothing. I notice a little 1 in my cart, reminding me I need to hit purchase on my toothpaste order. Amazon wins again.
Later, Claire will tell me, “I love how stuck you are on the Apple Watch.” Is everyone else not?????
#17 I cannot wait for Boy Movies the Movie
So many quotable quotes ! Know I have a tendency to hype you up, but ferreal when I read your writing it unlocks new turns of phrases & ways of thinking
ok miss karl marx ........the way you hit the motherlode on the mothering meter......."I guess he means there aren’t enough Chads in politics these days? Not since Reagan, anyway!" SKLDJFHLKSJDHFKLDSHF