Boy Movies #56
The 2023 celebration issue, brought to you by the Boy Movies extended family
You’re reading Boy Movies. Before we get into the good stuff, I must once again promote the Boy Movies stickers, a limited quantity of which are still available for purchase. I love sending mail, so this exercise in running a small business has been a hoot and a holler for me. If you’ve already ordered and received yours, send me photos of where you stick them!!!
Welcome to the final issue of Boy Movies of 2023! Long time readers may remember that last year I put together a ranking of the top 20 boy movies of 2022. It was a strictly solo effort, which got very boring very fast. This year, I decided to make it a family affair, because that’s what the holidays are all about. I reached out to members of the Boy Movies network — contributors, guests, down ass bitches who showed their asses in The Social Network issue, etc. — requesting their participation in this issue celebrating the boy movies that made our 2023s bright. I gave everyone a few “prompts” to inspire their contributions but mostly just encouraged them to go buckwild, and the submissions I received blew me away with their creativity. Hilarious, thoughtful, and so very weird, every entry is a blast to read and no two are remotely the same. Personally, this year was one of the most merciless I’ve experienced in quite a while, but moments like these remind me to never take for granted the fact that people enjoy reading this newsletter enough to attach their names to it. Thanks for supporting Boy Movies this year, and enjoy the issue! I’ll be back in your inboxes in early 2024?!?!?!
Note: This issue exceeds Gmail’s size limits (the email police are out…), so be sure to click “view entire message” at the bottom of this email or read it directly on Substack to get the full experience. (The desktop view, in my opinion, is probably the optimal way to do so since it makes accessing the footnotes easier. But do you!)
Air’s Top 5 Needle Drops, by Akosua Adasi
I’m probably the only person surprised by how much I liked Air, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon’s Nike-Michael Jordan movie. Over the last few years, I’ve been pretty vocal about how much I love Ben Affleck, whose protracted bit as painfully divorced dad, smoker, and Dunkin Donuts obsessee is the only thing that got me through the p*nd*m*c. Air is 100% Affleckian — it’s a movie about an underdog (Sonny Vaccaro, marketing executive) that works for a million-dollar company (Nike) that imagines itself as an underdog, who believes in the power of another underdog (Michael Jordan, the basketball player).1 Air is a movie that wants to both underplay the largesse of its subject matter and yet strives to impress on the viewer (especially if that’s a viewer who doesn’t know the in and outs of how Michael Jordan and Nike became essentially synonymous) what a big deal it all was. And like any Amazon Original worth its salt, it does so with really bad wigs and a senseless, excessive amount of needle drops. I’ll save my thoughts on Jason Bateman’s wig for another time, but I have to speak on those needle drops. Although the official Air Amazon Soundtrack (a CD of which can be purchased for $17.37 on amazon.com) has a tracklist of 13 songs, I counted *checks notes* 24 needle drops in the whole movie.2 And even though there are some heavy hitters on the soundtrack, in the context of the movie they are unmemorable because they are used so poorly. Here, I rank the five most memorable Air needle drops from the inappropriately used to the best/appropriately (which in this movie is relative):
Bruce Springsteen, “Born in the USA”
When I pitched the idea of ranking Air’s needle drops to Allison, she replied, “I love this and cannot wait to see where you rank Born in the USA.” I was confused because I couldn’t remember hearing “Born in the USA” in Air. I would have remembered such a major song, wouldn’t I? I spent much of my rewatch waiting to hear it and was SHOCKED when I did. Can someone tell me why it plays, somewhat unceremoniously for the kind of song it is, over the biographical epilogue, featuring pictures and video of Michael Jordan’s career? The song is boot stomping, planes soaring, cars driving away leaving a cloud of dust kind of music. In the movie, it is relegated to the song that soundtracks the PowerPoint at your fifth grade graduation. Its placement in the movie is made even stranger by an earlier monologue when Nike marketing head, Rob Strasser (played wearily by Jason Bateman), feeling existential about turning 45 and being a divorced dad, explains to Damon’s Vaccaro that “Born in the USA” is misinterpreted as a song about the greatness of being American even though it’s actually about the deep irony of that myth. Why then is that the song that they use as the triumphant closing note of the movie? Are they being ironic? Could they just not think of another song that came out in 1984? Obviously Springsteen is the patron saint of scrappy underdogs, which actually makes this dismissal even more egregious.
REO Speedwagon, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”
I didn’t think I had heard this song before, but it’s one of those classics that you’ve heard in your friend’s dad’s car (mine only listened to NPR) countless times and have somewhat scarred memories about. It’s also the kind of song that manages to be both depressing and uplifting at the same time, and it deserves to be played over a scene where we’re really seeing someone sweat. It deserves an extended close up that goes on so long you start to get uncomfortable and feel a sense of relief when the camera starts to zoom out. What it doesn’t deserve is to be played for (what felt like) five measly seconds over a clip of Ben Affleck as Nike founder and CEO Phil Knight running up an inclined street in hot pink running shorts. It is a completely random and unnecessary scene, one that should have found its way to the cutting room floor but is made significant by pairing it with this song. I guess they were hoping that the sweaty stress and effort that the song evokes would translate and give the visuals meaning, but the visuals are so affectless (though not Affeck-less) and muddy (the stock image filter throughout this movie is a crime) that it just feels incredibly pointless.
Rufus and Chaka Khan, “Ain’t Nobody”
It seems to me that you should have to EARN the right to have a Chaka Khan song play over your scene in a movie. It is not for anyone or anything, and it certainly is not for Jason Bateman in Air! It should be the song that Kendall Roy plays right before he goes to blow up his life with that little gleam in his eye. It is a song that should end with two co-conspirators locking eyes and sharing a smile. This is a song for a big triumphant walk with someone who has, rightly or not, a big attitude. It is a song for gliding through space. It is not the song to play over a clip of Jason Bateman sluggishly puttering through the Nike office looking for Matt Damon. I can only give it credit because I think they understood the assignment — this song was made for walking and that’s just what it will do — but with such poor execution.
Big Country, “In a Big Country”
Someone over the phone asks, “Where the hell are you?” Matt Damon as Sonny Vaccaro replies, “North Carolina!” and then you hear a shout of “Shah!” as Big Country’s incredible song, “In a Big Country,” begins. I am probably biased because this is truly one of my favorite songs ever, but it works for the scene of Sonny driving through the country (?) roads of North Carolina doing the exact thing he is not supposed to do. “In a Big Country” feels a little rebellious and cheeky, and is a lot of fun. It is definitely a road trip song and would not be out of place in a Coke commercial cooked up by one Don Draper. Its use in Air would almost be perfect if it wasn’t so downplayed, quickly becoming the background music in Sonny’s car rather than really building us up to something. The use and placement of “In a Big Country” best encapsulates the issue with the movie’s needle drops: all that build-up and excitement and no satisfaction!
Cyndi Lauper, “Time After Time”
What I’ve learnt as a dedicated Boy Movies reader is that, ultimately, every boy movie is a love story. Whether it’s about the romance between a man and his car (Fast and Furious?) or between a man and his dog (John Wick?), boys are always finding love in unexpected places and contexts. So it makes sense that the only sensible montage in all of Air, documenting the moments of mundane waiting and uncertainty that Sonny experiences following Nike’s big pitch to Michael Jordan, is soundtracked by one of the greatest songs of romantic longing ever: Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time.” A song about loneliness and devotion and (unfounded) hope, played over scenes of a man who has made his last-ditch effort at forming a legacy and buying cereal at 7/11 while waiting to hear if it paid off? That’s amore!
Allison Picurro’s Top 23 Boys of 2023
23. The Beatles, “Now and Then” music video
It is a huge and stupid stretch to put these guys — have you ever heard of them — here considering that half of them are dead and their “boy movie” was not a movie but rather a “please say sike” level of bizarre Peter Jackson-directed music video for an over-produced (yet gorgeous, why lie) song. Yes, the video was a look into the twisted, delusional, Joan Didion Alarm-ringing mind of Paul McCartney (affectionate), but it deserves credit for being the impetus for me giving myself over to Beatlemania in a major way. Now and then, I miss you…
22. M. Night Shyamalan, Knock at the Cabin
The wretched Leave the World Behind movie was at least a reminder of how good Knock at the Cabin is. A perfect, funny, and perfectly funny M. Night cameo. Dudes fucking rock!!!!!!!!
21. Cartoon Spider-Man Oscar Isaac, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
What the hell did they make that drawing’s ass so phat for. Would you guys try to have me locked up if I said I hope him and the cartoon Spider-Man Jake Johnson kiss in the next one <3
20. Jimmy Tatro, Theater Camp
If you put Jimmy Tatro in something, he will eat and leave no crumbs. American Vandal is eternal, brother.
19. Glenn Howerton, BlackBerry
OH, FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE. FUCK YOU. Get ready for a hostile takeover of this enTIRE FUCKING LEAGUE, OKAY? YOU FUCK. YOU THINK I WON’T FUCKIN’ DO IT? I’M FROM WATERLOO! WHERE THE VAAAAAMPIRES HANG OUT!!!
18. Adrien Brody, the white t-shirt he wears in Asteroid City
iykyk
17. Ving Rhames, Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part 1
The most beautiful woman in the Mission: Impossible franchise.
16. Josh Sharp and Aaron Jackson, Dicks: The Musical
How could you expect me to separate twins, fucking identical twins? Many did not get Dicks, but that’s their problem, not mine. These two make me laugh harder than anyone in the world.
15. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Air
They also come as a pair, obviously. To me every year is the year of Matt and Ben, but in 2023 we got Ben directing Matt for the first time, to impossibly loving results. Here’s a headline I just read that made me say “okay, me” out loud: Chris Messina Says Air Costars Ben Affleck and Matt Damon 'Love Each Other': 'They're So Cool'
14. Alden Ehrenreich, Cocaine Bear and Oppenheimer
What a treat to have him back. He was such a sad little homosexual in Cocaine Bear, which I of course loved. And let’s give it up for “Unnamed Senate Aide” in Oppenheimer — can we please make some noise for “Unnamed Senate Aide”?
13. Marshawn Lynch, Bottoms
Some of us have known for years that Marshawn Lynch is a comedic genius, but Bottoms proved to the world at large that he will someday win an Academy Award for acting.
12. Teo Yoo, Past Lives
Of course you’d spend your entire life thinking about a guy who looks like this.
11. Barry Keoghan, Saltburn
This movie made no sense (in a good way imo — sorry) and that didn’t slow him down. If anything, it made him more powerful. He wanted to get pregnant and nothing was going to stop him.
10. Dominic Sessa, The Holdovers
Daniela and I keep saying we discovered him because we saw this movie a few weeks before it was released and when I googled his age after we left to make sure I wasn’t having thoughts akin to those of a child predator there was literally no information online about him. I have since learned that he is 21 years old which means it would be fine if I was his girlfriend who the TikTok infants loathe for being an old hag. What a remarkable first performance he gives here. So wild to watch a star being born. “But I’m losing my goddamn mind, JESUS!”
9. Cillian Murphy, Oppenheimer
Duh. Oppenheimer is a movie that dares to ask what if the guy who invented the atomic bomb also had a slutty waist, an empty earring hole, and a bunch of boyfriends.
8. Bradley Cooper, Maestro press circuit
As a movie, Maestro rules, but even Maestro is not as good as Maestro on the press circuit. I’m going to go out on a limb and say something potentially controversial: With Maestro, Bradley Cooper made a boy movie so boy it out-boyed the likes of Christopher Nolan and Tom Cruise. He now feels that he deserves between one and three Oscars for his efforts and this time he is not going to be outshined by Lady Gaga. David Fincher won’t email him back, but he sure can get Spike Lee’s ear long enough to tell him about loving Do the Right Thing. The absolute craziest girl I know and I understand him perfectly, because much like myself he’s a severely mentally ill half-Irish, half-Italian from the northeast.
7. Franz Rogowski, Passages
Gave everything and then some. So sinister and alluring, and made people in my theater (both times I saw it!) react to his little acts of psychological warfare as if they were watching a violent horror movie.
6. Ryan Gosling, Barbie
Somehow not overrated, even after all that. “He went all the way in, I mean, he didn’t hold it — yeah. He was incredibly brave in that character … There’s no irony in Ken, he’s just 100% — what he’s feeling is what he’s saying, what he’s doing, and there’s a silliness to the character, but you couldn’t play silly, he had to just play earnest.” -James Cameron
5. Sterling K. Brown, American Fiction
His honkers are sitting. He is double cheeked the fuck up. He’s railing lines of coke. He’s got a procession of boys lining up to make out with him. He’s grieving, he’s laughing, he’s annoying his big brother. Lights the whole movie up. Unselfconscious excellence.
4. Jamie Bell, All of Us Strangers
A movie with four perfect lead performances but the Dumbo-eared king is who I keep coming back to. I could say more but I’d just start weeping uncontrollably.
3. Tatanka Means, Killers of the Flower Moon
He glides into the center of the action at the final hour, has maybe ten to fifteen minutes of screen time total, and instantly, easily becomes one of the best parts of the whole movie. Immeasurable presence and looks oh so very cool in that cowboy hat.
2. Josh Hartnett, Oppenheimer
I’ve already sung the praises of two of Oppenheimer’s guys, I realize, but he is perhaps the most important guy (fine, second most important). This is the hottest man on the planet and even that’s putting it lightly.
1. Charles Melton, May December
Who else? I could use this space to be smug about the fact that I, the Charles Melton town crier, am finally experiencing vindication, but instead I’ll say this: Give him the Oscar right now. Boy of the year with the paunch of the year. Chad rights. Period.
Honorable mentions: This fucking guy from Killers of the Flower Moon (bonus); Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott in All of Us Strangers; Dev Patel and Richard Ayoade in various forgettable Wes Anderson Netflix shorts; Charles Parnell in The Killer; whatever the hell Robert Pattinson is doing in The Boy and the Heron English dub
Movies I Saw Because Allison Said I Should, Ranked By How Much They Grossed Me Out, by Ariana Bacle
3. Saltburn
The only time I was truly repulsed during this was when the sister was eating some sort of fruit salad tossed with marshmallow or something. Nasty.
2. Passages
If you haven’t seen Passages, it’s about an absolute twerp. Tomas (Franz Rogowski) wears mesh (not necessarily twerp-y, just a fun fact) and is always going around being a selfish little hottie, hurting other hotties left and right. He’s the type of fuckboy people might say “Ugh, he needs therapy” about, but that I, a survivor, know could never benefit from therapy because that would require him to be honest. One of his decisions is so rude that I almost cried once I realized what he was doing, which doesn’t sound like much, but I was pretty high on having seen Ben Whishaw’s asshole mere minutes before so my emotions had far to fall. Perhaps what disgusts me most, though, is how intensely Rogowski-as-Tomas embodies a lizard villain — like, this is definitely the serpent from Adam and Eve. As my brother once said about Tom Hanks in Elvis, “If that doesn’t get you an Oscar, then what does?”
1. Dicks: The Musical
I wasn’t going to see Dicks because I usually zone out during musicals, but then Boy Movies officially endorsed it by saying it has a “divorced-from-reality spirit,” which spoke to me as someone who watches clips from Pee-wee’s Playhouse when I’m anxious. So the Boy Movies CEO and I went to see it one morning, when I discovered that… wow, I love movies. I just kept thinking “Wow, I love movies!” every few minutes, like I’d been raised on saltines and was just handed a Cheeto for the first time. Except it’s a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto, so it’s delicious, the best thing you’ve ever eaten, but also gives you diarrhea sometimes. The diarrhea in Dicks isn’t actual diarrhea (although there must be some loose poop in there I’m not remembering) but rather a detached vagina, buff little Gary Busey lookalikes, and chewed-up ham. It’s incredibly nasty, and so creative in its nastiness that it feels rewarding, even thrilling. This very specific type of filth reminds me of the mom in Pink Flamingos who just sits in her giant crib covered in eggs, an image so viscerally and unexpectedly disgusting to me that it’s made breakfast sandwiches near-inedible. Isn’t that beautiful? To create something strange enough in its grossness that it haunts people’s brains for years and years? Anyway, I’ll probably be avoiding ham for a while.
5 Moments in Cinema This Year That Made Me Feel Like A Frat Boy, by Aya Lehman
Jimmy Tatro dancing to a child singing “Better Now” by Post Malone in THEATER CAMP (related too much).
Fall Out Boy’s greatest hits album “Believers Never Die” featured in Ken’s Mojo Dojo Casa House in BARBIE (related too much).
Saw the STOP MAKING SENSE re-release in theaters the day that THE ERAS TOUR released (never saw the latter).
After my third screening of OPPENHEIMER, a 70+ year old man asked me why I had seen it three (3) times in theaters and I monologued for 10 minutes.
Cried during AIR.
Cassidy Olsen’s Top 5 Boy Movies of 2023
2023 was the year I freed myself from having to keep up with every new release, instead focusing on attending as many rep screenings of new-to-me films as I could and generally enjoying myself more in the process (I owe the June Paul Newman retrospective at the Irish Film Institute my life). I mostly stopped writing about films Professionally, which meant I no longer needed to binge watch everything in order to vote in a critics’ group, and I also live in Ireland now, where release dates vary wildly from those in the US.
Nevertheless, what new films I did see in 2023 are some of my very favorite in recent memory. The summer of we’re so back rolled into an autumn of we’ve never been more back. Alongside the wins for industry members achieved by the strikes, these titles make me excited for the future of the medium and, more importantly, for the genre of boy movies. (The rest of my top ten of the year, including Anatomy of a Fall and May December, are girl movies that would probably fall above or between these films in my final ranking, but we’re not talking about them right now.)
Oppenheimer — I had no faith Chris Nolan would turn this one around, and I’ve never been happier to be wrong. Bold, harrowing, and focused despite its myriad moving parts and superlong list of real life characters, Oppenheimer is a boy movie for the ages. Cillian’s performance is so good it made me finally watch Peaky Blinders.
Passages — I love Franz Rogowski’s evil bisexual Tomas more than I love some of my actual friends. Ira Sachs’ direction and Sophie Reine’s lean editing combine with some absolutely gorgeous production design to create a film that’s propulsive and alive. Shoutout to costume designer Khadija Zeggaï for all that knitwear.
Killers of the Flower Moon — Like Oppenheimer, Killers of the Flower Moon is a film spinning so many plates, it’s a wonder that none of them come crashing down. While I much prefer Lily Gladstone’s naturalistic performance to Leo’s pulled faces, what Scorsese is able to accomplish with this script and this cast is astonishing. A stomach-churning film that I will struggle to revisit, but certainly will soon enough.
The Holdovers — If you went to school in Massachusetts, congratulations, they made yet another movie for you. The Holdovers is a sweet little film that made me miss New England snow so much I nearly cried, and I don’t even like the winter. Sometimes all a boy needs for Christmas is a curmudgeonly teacher who smells bad who will acknowledge a part of himself that he fails to see on his own.
Napoleon — Is Napoleon good? I’m not sure. It whizzes through the military leader’s battles like a fancam of victories, never really arriving at much of a point. But I adore Joaquin’s interpretation of Bonaparte as a weird fucking guy with poor social skills who is dangerously horny for his wife. Also, the Austerlitz scene is incredibly metal and was shot in the same forest as the opening of Gladiator. The boyest movie of the year.
Daniela Tijerina’s Boy of the Year
Perhaps girl movie director Sofia Coppola best set the scene in 1999 when she introduced the world to Josh Hartnett with the song “Magic Man” in her directorial debut The Virgin Suicides. I can only imagine that this is what Christopher Nolan had in mind when he called him up for a role in Oppenheimer. There were literally thousands of men in that movie about the bomb, and aside from the titular role, Harnett’s striking performance is the only one that actually struck a chord with me. I even remember his character’s name (that’s Mr. Ernest Lawrence to you) and those cute little glasses. Now that’s what I call magic.
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Broaden Your Boy Movie Horizons, by Erik Baker
It’s a common misconception that David Fincher invented the boy movie when he made Fight Club in 1999. More erudite connoisseurs may locate the origins of the boy movie in the work of revolutionary New Hollywood filmmakers such as Francis Ford Coppola and William Friedkin. But one of the secrets they disclose to you when you’re getting a PhD in history — week three, if I recall correctly, after the stuff about ancient aliens and the Kennedy assassination — is that there have actually been boy movies since the invention of film. So this holiday season, I invite you to dip your Boy Movies-branded coffee mug [insert Sarah’s sticker here] into this vast reservoir of cinematic testosterone. For every new boy movie you loved in 2023, there is an older classic waiting for you to watch and mentally recast with Matt and Ben.
If You Liked Oppenheimer (2023), Watch: Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Lawrence of Arabia isn’t exactly a hidden gem, but I get the sense that it’s more frequently namechecked than seen. The nearly four-hour runtime is daunting, sure. But that’s how long every new movie is these days, so once you take the plunge, I promise you will be surprised at your stamina. And unlike Killers of the Flower Moon, there is a bona fide intermission built in. Lawrence has everything Oppenheimer devotees could hope for in a movie: a morally complicated protagonist with piercing blue eyes and abundant boyfriends, stunning landscape photography, reflections on the ineradicable moral stain of war. Plus, once you’ve seen it you get to say “This reminds me of Lawrence of Arabia” every time you watch a new historical epic.
If You Liked The Killer (2023), Seek Professional Help and Then Watch: Murder By Contract (1958)
Murder By Contract is kind of like the Velvet Underground of boy movies. Not many people have seen it, but everyone who’s seen it has made their own moody noir about an existentialist hitman. Everyone from John Wick to Alain Delon in Le Samouraï has their origin here. Martin Scorsese once cited it as “the film that has influenced [him] the most,” which is a better endorsement than anything I could come up with. But it’s especially worth watching if you’ve recently seen The Killer and are curious about where Fincher got all his ideas from. You can even watch it on mute and put on The Smiths.
If You Liked Napoleon (2023), Watch: Ivan the Terrible (1944/1958)
Like Napoleon, this late-career biographical epic from Sergei Eisenstein (the director of the silent classic Battleship Potemkin) is extremely polarizing. Some viewers say it’s among the worst movies ever made. Others, like me, think it’s a singular masterpiece at turns haunting and hilarious. The first part of the film, released in 1944, treats Ivan respectfully, a majestic conqueror who is required to make some difficult decisions to fulfill his historical destiny. Stalin was a big fan. In the second part, everything flies off the rails. Ivan descends into paranoia and sadism; the film’s narrative becomes increasingly difficult to follow; eventually Eisenstein switches from black-and-white to hallucinatory color photography. Stalin was less enthusiastic about this part, and it wasn’t released until Eisenstein and Stalin had both gone to their graves. Now you can watch both parts on Max: The One to Watch For HBO.
If You Liked Mission: Impossible –– Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), Watch: Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)
Overshadowed as its release was by Barbenheimer and the QAnon movie, I did not learn until recently that the new Mission: Impossible movie is about a rogue AI trying to take over the world. This is one of my absolute favorite tropes — I devote a whole lecture to it in the course I teach on science in cultural history. The best movie in this vein is Jean-Luc Godard’s French New Wave art film Alphaville (1965), but that has some, well, tonal differences from Mission: Impossible. Closer to the mark, and with a comparably over-punctuated title, is Colossus: The Forbin Project, released at the start of the ‘70s golden age of American paranoid thrillers. No one in this movie has Tom’s star power, but the sci-fi camp atmosphere is unmatchable. And there is a truly criminally horny subplot I will leave it to you to discover.
If You Liked Beau Is Afraid (2023), Watch: L’Age d’Or (1930)
Luis Buñuel, whom Owen Wilson stans might recall from his brief appearance alongside Dalí in Midnight in Paris, was almost singlehandedly responsible for introducing the ideas of the Surrealist movement into filmmaking. His first sound film, L’Age d’Or, is everything that Beau Is Afraid wishes it was. There are random acts of shocking violence and characters acting bizarrely oblivious to the chaotic scene unfolding around them; there is a lot of weird sex stuff. (To the extent the movie has a plot, it’s about two lovers who keep getting interrupted while they’re trying to fuck.) Unlike Beau Is Afraid, however, it’s made with real humor and imagination, and a radical political sensibility that Ari Aster has never been able to muster. Perhaps most importantly, it’s a merciful sixty-three minutes long. You can squeeze it in after The Grinch.
Shah Rukh Khan’s Top 5 Slutty Outfits from Jawan, by Haley Patail
I had a blast watching a solid handful of Shah Rukh Khan (SRK) films this year, thanks to the care and consideration of a Bengali friend and superfan. To honor Jawan, my Boy Movie of the Year by a landslide — a truly bonkers three-hour extravaganza about wealth redistribution and vengeance and bald caps and fatherhood and beautiful, powerful women in which SRK plays his own emotionally unavailable dad, thus completing some kind of Boy Movies sidequest3 — I will rank my favorite of his looks from the film. My favorite things about SRK (besides the obvious, Tom-Cruisian characteristics: amazing hair, looks great for his age [58], dabbled in rom and even com before settling into kinda dumb spectacle action films [complimentary]) are his silliness and his sluttiness4, and both are on display here.
5. Impeccable Phantom of the Opera vibes
4. This mint green look that I think about basically every day
3. Uh oh… my dad is hot….
2. Classic I’ve-never-met-the-top-three-buttons-on-my-shirt SRK realness, surrounded by literal hundreds of the beautiful, powerful women I mentioned earlier
1. He wears like three different colorways of this same outfit during this song and they’re all absolutely amazing. I love his little moustache?? It’s giving Grease but also like hot Luigi or something?? I don’t quite understand it but I am obsessed. THANK YOU KING!
Leah Williams’s Boy Movies of 2023, ranked
I decided to rank these based on movies I watched for the first time this year, not just movies that were released this year. Apologies for the presence of movies like Speed, which is almost 30 years old, but it’s incredible. If you haven’t seen Speed, please watch it today.
5. The Departed
The Departed needle drops The Dropkick Murphys as estimated 18 times. It rules.
4. War of the Worlds
I’m not sure War of the Worlds is actually considered a Boy Movie, but it does star Tom Cruise, a very important figure for Boy Movie Nation. This is a great alien invasion movie. I’m struck by how real the threat seems, and how genuinely panicked and claustrophobic the crowds of people make me feel. I thought about this a lot during the conversation about AI background acting — which would render this movie completely toothless.
3. Speed
Sandra Bullock is an insta-star in this. Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels are so hot. Watch Speed!!!!
2. The Holdovers
My only 2023 entry! I love love loved this. This is a bit of a lazy comparison, but it’s a little like a spikier Dead Poets Society. My roommate googled star Dominic Sessa IN the theater, she was so struck by him. He hasn’t been in anything else, but I simply cannot wait to see what he does next. Also, Da’Vine Joy Randolph should be in all our movies. I’m always saying this.
1. The Last Waltz
It simply does not get better than The Band performing “The Weight” with The Staple Singers. I plan to watch this every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life. Also, read Martin Scorsese’s obituary for Robbie Robertson! It’s incredibly moving.
Lyvie Scott’s Boy of the Year
I am protective over Harris Dickinson. Sure, there was a time where I often confused him for British Boy Actor and noted Beyoncé stannie George MacKay — whom I’ve also claimed, thanks very much — as in the beginning they were very much two sides of the same coin. Harris was the pretty boy, the Romeo; George was the Hamlet. The weird little guy. But as Harris’ star has risen and he’s expressed an equal affinity for Weird Little Guy roles, I have to say I care for him now more than ever.
That caring culminated with this year’s wonderfully pensive A Murder at the End of the World, in which Harris plays a part-time sleuth turned full-time environmental art-ivist. “Art-ivist” is not a word, as far as I know — but chances are you already know a softboy who fits this very description. Harris is so great at playing every different brand of softboy there is: in A Murder, he’s of the noble, unwitting variety, the kind that’s more likely to get his heart broken than he is to break a heart.
I haven’t yet put my finger on why he is so captivating here, but maybe that’s the thing that makes him a scene stealer. If the influx of fancams and “friendly reminder that Harris Dickinson” photo bombs are any indication, I’m not the only one enthralled by him. So glad he’s getting the praise he deserves — but my God, I am not ready for him to truly blow up.
Nicholas Russell’s Boy of the Year
A year dominated by boy movies and boy behavior, in the complimentary and derogatory senses. Often, I feel that the term “boy,” which can be an epithet as much as a simple descriptor, merely gestures to someone's behavior, their un-adultness, their lack of seriousness. Sometimes, it's necessary to be reminded of the fact that, at one point or another, the boy actually was a boy. In this case, Laurence Fishburne, or, as he's billed in the credits of the film in question, “Larry” Fishburne in 1992's fantastic crime thriller Deep Cover. “Fish,” as Tom Cruise calls him (I learned, listening to the audio commentary for Mission: Impossible III, that Cruise and Fishburne have known each other since they were teenagers????), is today recognized as a preeminent American thespian. If Morgan Freeman is the voice of God, Fishburne is the voice of the devil only in that he is a playful, rueful presence, sometimes mocking, always knowledgeable and formidable. But this image is almost entirely wrapped up in the legacy of his performance as Morpheus in The Matrix. Even his slightly profane role in the John Wick franchise turns on this association and that's before Keanu shares a scene with him. Deep Cover, an amazingly stylish and simultaneously icky movie, turns back the page and shows us not only a young Fishburne, but a blindingly hot one. There were many worthy adversaries in 2023, but frankly none come close. I'll let the following images speak for themselves:
Girl Dinners for Boy Movies, by Nicole Zhu
This was the year of Girl Dinner — essentially rebranded snack plates for one, designed to be low-effort and slightly chaotic substitutions for cooked meals. Girl Dinners can be aesthetic arrangements of charcuterie and butter boards, or a hodgepodge of microwaved nachos, soon-to-be expired yogurt, and a Diet Coke. The goal is to avoid cooking and cleaning, and to maximize simple pleasures.
If you’re looking for a fresh take on dinner and a movie, check out these pairings of girl dinners and boy movies.
1. Avatar: The Way of Water
Girl Dinner: tinned fish
Boy Drink: blue margarita
Why is James Cameron making four sequels to Avatar when literally nobody (except me, a true Pandorahead) can name a single character from the first movie? Why is tinned fish the ultimate “hot girl food”? Nobody knows. I personally vouch for Alison Roman’s recipe for marinated anchovies with bread and butter. Enjoy your tin of Fishwife while Jake begrudgingly makes Neytiri be his Fish(ing)wife.
2. Fast X
Girl Dinner: hot dog and American cheese wrapped in a tortilla
Boy Drink: Corona with lime
Invite the whole family over for a movie night (yes, including your estranged brother who was only introduced one movie ago). Replicate a cookout the easy way by making a lazy version of hot dogs with your carb of choice. Dom might be on the run from the literal US government, but American cheese melts the best.
3. Oppenheimer
Girl Dinner: apple slices and a cigarette
Boy Drink: martinis
The film’s titular character “subsisted on little more than Chesterfield cigarettes and double-strength martinis, rims dipped in lime.” Eat an (unpoisoned) apple to get some additional vitamins and nutrients. To prepare for the role, Cillian Murphy refused to disclose his exact diet, but said, “I was running on crazy energy; I went over a threshold to where I was not worrying about food or anything.” Wow, couldn’t be me. Down a martini (or three) like Kitty Oppenheimer.
4. The Holdovers
Girl Dinner: charcuterie plate and holiday cookies
Boy Drink: Jim Beam
A delightful, sentimental holiday movie about boys “holding over” winter break at a New England boarding school demands some Christmas cheer. Whether you’re the lone person on campus like Angus or the lone person on the couch, indulge with a charcuterie plate and holiday cookies (preferably ones you didn’t wait two weeks to eat). Drink yourself to sleep with a bottle of Jim Beam in front of the television like Mr. Hunham.
5. BlackBerry
Girl Dinner: yogurt parfait
Boy Drink: Red Bull
Garnish a yogurt parfait with granola, agave, and some of your favorite berries. Who knows? Maybe one of those berry stains will help you create an enduring name for a now largely defunct consumer product. Pound a Red Bull, a coder’s drink of choice, and yell at your oldest friend to pay attention to the movie. It’s time to get (Bal)sillie!
73 19 Questions with Godzilla, by Sarah Turbin
The global sensation and prolific actor tours his gorgeous LA beach house and answers rapid-fire questions about everything from his favorite places in Tokyo to doing his own stunts in Godzilla Minus One, self-care, and the possibility of reuniting with his former co-star King Kong.
What movie made you want to be an actor?
Casablanca. I love a war movie, what can I say?
Director you’d most like to work with?
Greta Gerwig.
Favorite book?
Frankenstein.
Worst on-set injury?
Probably from this last one, with Godzilla Minus One — and this is always met with surprise, but I do all my own stunts so it really was me in the water for all those hours. One day I got the gnarliest sunburn on my back.
How long have you been living in LA?
I don’t really live here, my home base is in Tokyo. But I love coming here, especially with a house right on the water.
What should I do in Tokyo?
See a sumo match.
Most recent TV show you binged?
The Americans.
Best argument for global denuclearization?
I could finally retire.
Who’s made you laugh the most between takes?
King Kong. I keep telling him he needs to do a comedy.
Would you ever make another film with King Kong?
Yeah! We’re in a group chat for older actors in the biz. We’re always talking about what movies we want to do next. Kong, have your people call my people.
Who’s in the group chat?
I shouldn’t say. But they’re pretty famous. More famous than I am, at least.
That’s hard to believe. Have you ever been starstruck?
Toshiro Mifune. He was that handsome in real life.
What about more recently?
Timothée Chalamet.
Best movie you saw this year?
Cocaine Bear. She’s going to be a star. I haven’t met her yet but we have the same agent.
Puppies or kittens?
Puppies. I have a schnauzer.
War or peace?
Peace.
To read the reviews or to not read the reviews?
Don’t. One review my publicist just sent me said I had “a squat rump” and “chunky thighs”. Like, hello?!
That’s so rude! How do you shut out the noise and relax?
Chemical peels. No botox. I don’t do needles.
Oppenheimer or Barbie?
Barbie! Duh.
I realized the other day that for Variety’s Directors on Directors, they matched Ben with actor-director Michael B. Jordan. A good joke. (Allison chiming in here: This realization gagged me.)
I haven’t googled to confirm this but I’m pretty sure all of them came out in 1984, just in case viewers weren’t sure that the movie is set in 1984.
Sorry if I just spoiled you but I promise it won’t affect your viewing experience!
The story goes that his affair with Priyanka Chopra on the set of the amazing Don 2 (2011) got her blacklisted from Bollywood and brought her to America to eventually marry a Jonas. Slut antics!
when will the jamie bell girls finally get a whole meal instead of crumbs