Boy Movies #59
The Matt and Ben issue, part III
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My god! There’s… room for everybody, let’s just say that!
Except Charles Melton, apparently. The Academy Award nominations were announced this morning while I was literally at a doctor’s appointment and babygirl was denied flowers for his nimble, thoughtful work in May December. Despite the Boy Movies newsletter declaring him the #1 Boy of 2023, the Academy instead felt it necessary to recognize the At First Fun But Increasingly Exhausting As The Film Continued and Continued and Continued Oh My God This Movie Felt Longer Than Oppenheimer performance Mark Ruffalo gave in the absolutely fine Poor Things. I’m going to be so bold as to say Charles Melton is the most inexcusable Best Supporting Actor snub since Andrew Garfield for The Social Network. There is just no defending it.
A few more thoughts:
Between the aforementioned Poor Things and America Ferrera getting into the Best Supporting Actress category for Barbie, the true star of this year’s Oscar nominations is 2015 feminism
Bradley “Maestro” Cooper will be rewarded in heaven after being so violently misunderstood here on Earth. You know, if you guys want him to stop (to be clear, I do not) all you have to do is give him an Oscar for directing. At the very least he deserved a nomination!!!!! Fuck off!!!!!! I’m fired up!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone’s favorite film score of 2023, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
Congratulations to Sterling K. Brown’s massive honkers in American Fiction and Sterling K. Brown’s massive honkers in American Fiction only
Does anyone know what Nyad is
See you on March 10th!
Which could mean nothing
Since the inception of Boy Movies in October 2022, I have devoted one issue per year to checking in on Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. I consider them to be the unofficial (for now) mascots of this newsletter — my best guys, my Boston boys. They are, by my estimate, the ideal encapsulation of the Boy Movies ethos: lifelong bros who have made innumerable contributions to the boy movies canon, who soften each other without detracting from their inherent brodom. They also happen to always have something going on; last year, Ben directed Matt in Air (curiously not nominated for any Oscars despite being eligible for most categories…) and in the months since they’ve diligently and consistently promoted the thing, together and apart. The past few weeks have been especially busy for them, and not even because they’re, like, doing their jobs by acting in movies and shit. Nothing of the sort, actually. If you’ll join me, I’d like to walk you through a brief timeline of everything MattnBen have been up to lately.
December 22
Mere days before Christ’s birthday, the world is rocked as news of an unbelievable diva off emerges from the fires of the celebrity gossip machine.
Matt Damon 'Hates' the Way Jennifer Lopez Treats His BFF Ben Affleck, Source Claims: He 'Can’t Keep Quiet'
Yes. Yes. YES!!!
Listen to me: Matt Damon has seen a lot. He lived through Shookus. He politely averted his eyes while Ben Affleck made out with Ana de Armas on a beach. We think WE’VE had a front row seat to Ben Affleck’s various ups and downs throughout the years? We know nothing compared to what Matt Damon knows. Matt Damon, who has been by all accounts happily married to the same woman for almost two decades, has seen more in this lifetime than any of us can even begin to imagine. Matt Damon can stand endlessly; no one can stand as long as Matt Damon can. He’s loyal. But something about Bennifer 2.0 has broken his warrior’s spirit enough that word of his displeasure is leaking to the tabloids. He doesn’t like the way J.Lo treats Ben? You can say less, I’m all in.
It’s probably fake. OK Mag isn’t, like, the Associated Press. It isn’t even TMZ. And yet! Word of the Damon-Lopez feud leads me down a brief Google Images rabbit hole, where I learn that there are, unbelievably, almost no photos of Ben, Matt, and J.Lo together. None from when Bennifer was born in the early 2000s, only a few from the Bennifer 2.0 era — most of which are from the time Ben yet again took Matt to the beach to hang out with him and his girlfriend. Boy Movies is not a gossip blog, nor is it a home for conspiracy theories, but I am a great lover of speculation and rumors. And anyway, it’s more about the intrigue surrounding the feud than the truth of the situation, which we’ll never know in full. It takes very little effort to read into it, this conspicuous lack of photos of three people who have been in and out of each other’s lives for twenty years. It suggests that the rift between Ben Affleck’s beloveds predates Matt’s own marriage. It conjures images of chilly greetings between the two, of Ben playing peacekeeper. It even stirs distant hope for an eventual pointed but just vague enough for plausible deniability diss track from J.Lo. How relatable to beef with your best friend’s significant other, in the great tradition of “Who knows, Yoko?”
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When Boy Movies dubbed 2024 the year of the threesome, this is what I meant. Let’s get this trio in a Passages remake asap.
January 3
Ben Affleck begins 2024 in the most Ben Affleck of ways: shooting a Dunkin commercial. But what’s notable about the on set photos from this commercial is that Ben is photographed on set wearing a t-shirt that derails my entire day:
A video of Robert Downey Jr. bitchily remarking that Matt Damon is missing out on Oppenheimer press because he is “shooting a Dunkin Donuts commercial” also gives me pause. A MattnBen moment coming so soon after The Revelations? Which could mean nothing…
January 7
Just one day after the anniversary of the insurrection, Matt and Ben make a joint public appearance at the 2024 Golden Globes where they are naturally seated at the same table. Matt even sits separately from the Oppenheimer table in favor of staying shoulder to shoulder with his bestie. I obviously mean no disrespect to Air, a good movie, but it seems uncontroversial to say that Oppenheimer was unquestionably the bigger of Matt’s two 2023 films. So, I mean, whatever! The video of Ben sneaking up on Matt before the ceremony is a visual SSRI. They speak of “visionaries” while presenting the award for Best Director together. They take a big happy family photo with both of their wives (Ben is noticeably seated directly between J.Lo and Matt, which could mean nothing). All in all, it’s a great night for the boys despite neither of them winning anything and J.Lo having to clarify that Ben is not miserable, it’s just his face. (I literally relate.)
January 13
The popular social media platform Letterboxd drops what has now colloquially come to be known as “the Ben and I… video,” to mass hysteria. “Ben and I always loved Midnight Run this” and “Ben and I were there together” that. Girl, why don’t you get up? I know, I know — he can’t.
January 17
And on January 17th, J.Lo steals the spotlight back.
Now, I don’t know what this is. “From the heartsouldreams of Jennifer Lopez,” this trailer, for something called “This Is Me…Now: A Love Story,” proclaims. Does that mean anything to you? I’m really asking. The only reason I feel secure in agreeing that it is in fact a trailer is because the word “trailer” is used in the title given to this video on the official Prime Video YouTube channel. What is it a trailer for? Unclear. For two and a half minutes we watch J.Lo do a number of activities, such as get married thrice (once to Julianne Hough’s AI-generated brother), attend group therapy (possibly for sex addiction but she mostly talks about her sister), rock some fierce bangs (slay), and work in a steel mill (what), all while spouting off one-liners about how much she loves love.
I think it’s a musical, but I can’t be sure. I think she’s playing a character, but I can’t be sure. The longer it goes on, the greater the mystery of “This Is Me…Now: A Love Story” becomes. It is a labyrinth of pure confusion. By the time the name “BEN AFFLECK” pops up at the very bottom of the cast list, which also includes Trevor Noah (?), Kim Petras (??), and Neil DeGrasse Tyson (???), you’ve reached a state of such whole-bodied disorientation that the only reaction you can possibly muster up is a resounding “Okay.”
It is impossible to theorize about what sort of role Mr. Damon-Lopez will play in “This Is Me…Now: A Love Story” because it is impossible to comprehend what “This Is Me…Now: A Love Story” is. What I can tell you is that the man learned absolutely nothing from Gigli, from the “Jenny From the Block” video, from the “publicity” that he has for years claimed ruined the Bennifer union the first time around. I hope he never learns. I hope they stay together forever. And I hope Matt’s assistant leaks a video of him reacting to the “This Is Me…Now: A Love Story” trailer. Amen.
This has been MattnBen…now.
Finally, real journalism. Thank you Allison Boy Movies! Can't wait for the follow-up: This Is MattnBen... Then 🙏
totally delighted to have found this literally while googling "ben affleck matt damon which could mean nothing" at 10:35 AM on a wednesday. you and i share the same brain disease. please DM me if you want to discuss what went down the summer they did pippin in high school musical theatre.