Boy Movies #62

Some suggestions for Austin Butler's agents

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In January, the Boy Movies newsletter declared 2024 Year of the Creature. While listing examples to support my point, I wrote, “​​There’s that sand worm in y’alls little Dune 2.” This was correct of me to say. And now that we as a community have likely seen Dune 2 (if you haven’t, I respect you more than anyone else and you are safe here) we know just how correct I was. The sand worm in y’alls little Dune 2 does play a major role in y’alls little Dune 2. But there is in fact another creature in Dune 2 that I overlooked at the time which I now feel must be acknowledged whether I like it or not. I suspect my brain was protecting me from having to think about something I find so very heinous, but as I sat among the hordes and hordes of men¹ at my showing of Denis Villeneuve’s salute to space and Timothée Chalamet’s gorgeous hair, I could fight the film’s central truth no longer:

They had Austin Butler playing a nasty baldheaded freak in Dune 2.

Yucky.

I’ve known about this, of course. Never forget the day the FilmUpdates “Austin Butler is bald” tweet dropped. Austin Butler is bald? Wait, Austin Butler is bald and toothless²? My Austin Butler? No, no, please… anything but this. Bald and resembling the albino Prometheus aliens, and acting oddly as well: licking knives, smooching Stellan Skarsgård. It seems like just yesterday I was clutching both hands over my mouth while watching him gyrate in that white jumpsuit for the first time. Life notoriously comes at you fast, but this is a little faster than I would like.

That’s better.

Austin Baldler is something of a double-edged sword. I do not like seeing him in such a state (ugly, nasty) but I can appreciate that he was obviously having the time of his life in Dune 2. Even under all that makeup, he comes alive on screen, as there is nothing more freeing to a beautiful actor than getting to experiment with what life might be like if they’d been born a hideous beast. Honestly, his entrance in the film is, in my opinion, much too drawn out. I spent every moment before his introduction anxiously waiting for his introduction. When it finally happened I felt euphoric and sick to my stomach: He slithers on screen baldly — bald from head to toe — and gazes around demonically, and adopts Skarsgård’s Swedish lilt³, which you only realize after he’s been speaking for a while. I see many people online saying all kinds of things about finding my beloved Austin hot like this, which I cannot relate to. As a Buthead who spent months defending him and his voice, part of me is slightly bitter about this sudden shift. Nevertheless, I’m valiantly electing to stay silent and let you all enjoy your nerd moment before I get to have my fun (The Bikeriders in theaters June 21) but just know that if you’re now claiming to stan after mocking him during the Elvis era, I see you. I am watching. I never stop watching.

Look, I’m not trying to gatekeep. It’s nice to see the world finally embracing Austin Butler. He has always had the It factor, it’s just that many balked at Elvis because many are allergic to having fun at the movies. In any case, I hope that the success of Dune 2 does not send him down the path of Always Looking Ugly On Screen. Below, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of things I would like to see Austin Butler do rather than committing to a career of being nasty in movies. If his agents are on the hunt for inspiration, this is a great place to start.

10 things I would like to see Austin Butler do now that being bald is (hopefully) behind him

1. A comedy! I don’t mean a rom-com. I actually believe we need to stop with rom-coms until we can figure out what’s going on. Is Austin Butler funny? Yes, I know he got his start on Nickelodeon, but is present day Austin Butler willing to allow himself to be funny? There is no way to tell, unless he does a comedy. If it turns out he is funny, I can see him working as a Keanu type in a goofy Bill and Ted type movie, or as the hot yet funny idiot ala Chris Hemsworth in the feminist Ghostbusters. If it turns out he cannot be funny, he could be the unfunny-yet-still-important-to-the-story hot idiot — like the male version of Lake Bell in It’s Complicated

2. On that note, he should do a Nancy Meyers movie

3. He should also do an M. Night Shyamalan movie

4. And a Christopher Nolan movie. With all the shit I’ve talked about Maestro Nolan, I recently rewatched Inception and I believe Austin would be a natural fit for the Nolanverse

5. Heat 2. With all due respect to Michael Mann, I don’t really care about the long-teased existence of this film, but Austin does look so much like a young Val Kilmer that someone should do something about it. Austin is clearly angling to get involved in as many prestige boy movies as possible. He also loves waxing poetic about his directors, making his rumored casting in Heat 2 a perfect situation for all

6. Work with Tom Cruise. In the alternate universe where Austin played Rooster in Top Gun: Maverick and Miles Teller played Elvis in Elvis, we could’ve already had this, but alas. I just think they’d like each other!

7. Gay movie — obviously

8. Pop girlie music video. Can’t you picture it? There he is, serving face while SZA rails against her ex. There he is, serving face while Charli XCX sings about going to the club. There he is, serving face while Caroline Polachek wails about whatever. Charles Melton has done it, Mads Mikkelsen has done it, Ben Affleck has done it… just keep the devil Taylor Swift away from him…

9. Indiana Jones. This idea comes directly from my friend and Boy Movies recurring character Alexis but I think she’s on to something. The most recent Indy was a flop, and with just one crack of a whip I believe Austin could revive the franchise

10. Kiss me on the mouth :) 

1. There has never been a more literal rendering of this newsletter’s central ethos than the fact that there was absolutely no line for the women’s restroom on the day I saw Dune 2.

2. I think his teeth may actually be there, it’s just that they’re completely black (ew???). I don’t care to look it up. And please, I beg, don’t tell me.

3. In the same issue where I declared 2024 Year of the Creature, I also put us all on accent watch… I’ve never been wrong in my life…