Boy Movies #81

Hey Dwayne, it’s a belated ins and outs list

Hey Dwayne. You’re reading Boy Movies.

Boy Movies 2025 ins and outs

Welcome to the first issue of Boy Movies of 2025, where I continue my annual trend of arriving egregiously late to a party that was never really a party anyway. Are ins and outs list officially out? I don’t care. I spent a frankly indefensible amount of time thinking about these and there will be no further questions. Good day.

👍 IN 👍

Uncanny faces
ALTRWR¹, Boy Movies was on Male Celebrity Cosmetic Work Watch in 2024. Consider this a natural progression of that. No one in Hollywood remotely resembles a real person anymore. I feel increasingly “what is it exactly that we’re looking at here?” when I see the visage of pretty much any famous person these days. The uncanny face is something that’s been trending for a while, but everything crystallized when I saw Tom Cruise’s appearance in the trailer for Mission: Impossible — The Final Reckoning (formerly known as Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part 2). We will never, ever know what that man’s face really looks like.

Physical media
I recently had a mini psychotic break triggered by watching Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg interact for the first time since like 2013 and I had no choice but to settle in for a rewatch of The Social Network. I was forced to do so on Jeff Bezos’ streaming platform, as it is the only place my favorite movie of all time is currently “streaming” for “free²,” and subsequently had to endure ads before and during. Can you stand it? Many years ago I made my mom drive me to Target in a snowstorm to purchase The Social Network on DVD the day it came out and now I’m doing this shit. I’ll be hunting down that DVD next time I’m home and I recommend you all do the same with your most treasured films. It’s a great year to acquire a DVD player, beloveds.

“We do things a little differently here” movies
The trailer for Companion solidified this for me: “From the studio that brought you The Notebook” reads the text on screen, before skidding clownishly into a warning that it also comes “from the unhinged creators of Barbarian.” I predict this wink-wink, not like other girls schtick will persist well into 2025.

Being bald
Cynthia Erivo is everywhere. Emma Stone’s shaving her head. Nicholas Hoult is playing Lex Luthor. I understand this might be a controversial take when male celebrities are flocking to the proud nation of Turkey to have their hairlines adjusted, but if you’re trying to make a splash in 2025, you better be bald. Rip that wig off your head, baby. Feel the air on your scalp.

January movies
I recently saw a trailer for a film called The Amateur. Have you heard about this? It stars “Academy Award winner Rami Malek” (ijbol… the literal funniest collection of words ever invented) as a CIA computer guy (?) whose random wife (played by Rachel Brosnahan — random!) gets killed. As I watched this trailer I thought, “Now this is a January movie if I’ve ever seen one,” and instantly began fantasizing about going to see it at 3pm on, like, January 18th. Sounds like bliss, right? Don’t you all want that for me? Well, too bad, The Amateur isn’t being released until April. I had this exact experience watching the trailers for Mickey 17, Black Bag, and Love Hurts, and learning about the existence of Old Guy, A Working Man, and M3GAN 2.0. You want me to see the sequel to M3GAN in June? Are you absolutely kidding? There is no reason to turn 2025 into an eternal January. Back in my day, nonsense movies that maybe shouldn’t exist were relegated to the first month of the year, a period of time where just about anything goes. All we have left is Wolf Man, a January release that knows its place.

Old guys
Now, I want to be clear about something. When I say “old,” I mean actually old. The person in question should qualify for a senior discount. Ages 60 and up only. Hugh Grant is returning to Bridget Jones, Bob Odenkirk is doing another action movie, Marvel is Weekend at Bernie’s-ing Harrison Ford, and John Malkovich is playing a pop star. There is literally a movie called Old Guy being released, starring Christoph Waltz. I personally think we’ve all about had it with men — no, sorry, boys 30 and under. For the remainder of 2025, this newsletter is on old guy watch.

Movie intermissions
The first half of The Brutalist is pretty good, which means I walked away from it being like, “That kind of sucked,” but I have to give it up for the 15-minute intermission that comes about halfway through the thing. I think a lot of the complaining people do about long movie runtimes is boring and tired (talk about out), but I do have a small bladder. And my community has rights.

Monsters and monster fuckers
We all remember where we were when the Boy Movies newsletter named 2024 the year of the creature. In 2025, we’re embracing straight up monsters. Wolf Man? Michael B. Jordan playing twin vampires? Not one but two separate Frankenstein movies? Have fun, sickos.

Late ‘90s-style comedies
That Cameron Diaz-Jamie Foxx spy thing, a new Trey Parker-Matt Stone movie, and a Happy Gilmore sequel… I rest my case. A resurgence is upon us.

People who annoy me
Jacob Elordi and Mia Goth in Frankenstein. Jared Leto³ in Tron: Ares. Aziz Ansari in Good Fortune. Gal Gadot in Snow White. Ariana DeBose in Love Hurts. Margaret Qualley in Happy Gilmore 2. Jack Quaid in the various projects Jack Quaid is scheduled to appear in this year. Absolutely every last soul involved with the production of Wicked: For Good. Rian Johnson and the Russo brothers and Yorgos Lanthimos and Edgar Wright and Ari Aster and James Gunn. A few others I’ll name if you text me privately. I hate to be negative⁴, but unfortunately we are on track for a year in cinema filled with a record amount of people I cannot stand. Should I go underground? Should I cut out my eyeballs?

👋 OUT 👋

“This film is a response to Trump”
We must put an end to this before it inevitably begins again. I cannot survive another Don’t Look Up, can you?

Bad lighting
The outrage over Wicked’s Shot On iPhone ass lighting makes me hopeful for a brighter (literally) future.

Letterboxd as journalism
At some point this year, I predict a backlash to shoving microphones in actors’ faces on red carpets and demanding to know what their four favorite movies are. Respectfully, I do feel that this phenomenon has reached its peak.

Mustaches
If Timothée Chalamet’s Marty Supreme mustache couldn’t usher in a new trend of guys boldly experimenting with decorating their upper lips, I fear they’re officially out. Maybe next year, mustache males.

Jennifer Coolidge Syndrome
I’ve been workshopping this one for a while and I think I’ve finally gathered enough research to bring it to the public. Basically, Jennifer Coolidge Syndrome is that thing where people decide an “underrated” “older” actor is “iconic,” some Hollywood vulture gets ahold of them and capitalizes on the momentum, and suddenly they’re everywhere in a bad way. In theory, this should be positive, but the industry just can’t seem to execute it correctly. In almost every case, the volume of work grows but the quality of the work diminishes, which is how we get shit like The White Lotus season 2 and Jeff Goldblum’s performance in Wicked. Conclave saved Stanley Tucci from such a fate, but I regret to inform you that Coolidge and Goldblum are lost to us forever. Michelle Yeoh and Laura Dern are orbiting but not far behind — perhaps they can still be saved, though it will take a concentrated effort. But for now, consider the concept OUT.

“[YOUNG ACTOR] is the next [OLDER ACTOR]”
Everybody needs to cool it with this “Ayo Edebiri is the next Julia Roberts” stuff. No one is the next Julia Roberts because there will never be another Julia Roberts. It’s an unfair bar. Can Ayo Edebiri not simply be Ayo Edebiri?

“Live action” Disney remakes
They’re not live action. They’re never live action. These movies are an assault on the senses. Don’t piss me off.

Doing too much for the French
Please everyone stop discoursing about Emilia Pérez and The Substance unless you’re going to join me in the fight against their French directors.

Sony’s Spider-Man-free Spider-Man film universe :(
Daddy Marvel is back on top and the gutter rat Sony has no choice but to slither back into the trash from whence it came. As we go on we remember all the times we had together, and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joel Edgerton
That’s quite enough of him.

• My review of Severance season 2, which is some of the best TV I’ve watched since the last time Severance was on. This show is worth using the Apple TV+ free trial that came with your AirPods, I promise.

1. As long-time readers will remember…

2. Nothing is free.

3. I thought I took care of this fucking guy last year.

4. I actually LOVE being negative <3