Boy Movies #85
A short and not very sweet issue
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I wanted to write a longer, more focused issue this week, but I am truly out of ideas. Also, I did not watch very many movies in March. This was due to being “busy” with “life” and “work” (work for me = television), but I still felt like checking in today. In lieu of a proper issue, I’m going to crib from Nicholas and dedicate this post to a few quick breakdowns of a handful of things I did watch this month. “Enjoy!”
Longlegs, dir. Osgood Perkins
I saw The Monkey in February and had the time of my life. It’s fun, and Theo James has the juice, but I’m confident that at least… hm… let's say 40% of my enjoyment came from knowing the details of Osgood Perkins’ backstory, which has everything from a famous gay dad to Schiaparelli connections to 9/11. This guy’s life is nuts. I implore you to stop reading this and go check out his Wikipedia if you’re unfamiliar with his game. There is so much going on with his lineage and once you’re aware of it you can see how deeply it bleeds into his work: Longlegs and The Monkey have a ton of weird, weird, weird parental baggage baked into their plots, which makes them sort of uncomfortable to watch. But why go to therapy when you can make movies? He’s laying it all out for us. We didn’t ask, but he is. I did not see Longlegs in theaters at the time of its release, when everyone was freaking the fuck out about it. It’s pretty dumb, and I certainly don’t think it’s the scariest movie since Silence of the Lambs or anything like that (come on), but I enjoyed it as a probing look into this guy’s broken psyche. It’s a boy movie, of course (what is it with men and their mommies…), and you know what? I stand with Osgood Perkins, sorry! I think we’d have a lot to talk about!
Black Bag, dir. Steven Soderbergh
Some of you reeeeeeally loved this, to the point where I was given a false idea of its quality, but I had a good time! It’s fun, fun, fun. I love Soderbergh in an almost blind way, which is likely due to the fact that I saw the Ocean’s movies at an impressionable young age, and it has turned me into the kind of person who will watch just about anything he makes. (Remember when they let him do the Oscars…) He was very much in his (black) bag with this, a zippy, stylish, sexy caper that allowed him to deploy all of his favorite tricks. He’s obviously a boy director, which is part of what makes the Ocean’s trilogy such a blast (no stakes, just dudes having fun and doing crime), and in a perfect, gayer world, Black Bag would’ve been a Danny Ocean-Rusty Ryan Scenes From a Marriage-type spin-off. Marisa Abela, I love you and I continue to maintain that the Amy Winehouse movie was not your fault.
Opus, dir. Mark Anthony Green
This movie was, make no mistake, bad. It has an intriguing-ish premise — an aging and enigmatic pop star stages a comeback, invites a bunch of industry people to his cult-like home, bad shit starts happening — that falls spectacularly apart when Green realizes he actually has to explain why the weird shit that’s been happening has been happening. From the heavy focus on aesthetics and the casting of former Kardashian assistant Stephanie “Steph Shep” Suganami, it’s one of those vibes only movies that are so popular these days, which I generally loathe. Sometimes movies can just be a Pinterest board. Don’t fear the Pinterest board.
Opus has rightfully been compared to films like The Menu, Don’t Worry Darling, and Blink Twice. None of those films really worked either, and yet we keep trying to repeat the formula. The powers that be seem convinced that one of these days, somebody has to get it right. Who knows, who cares, this honestly isn’t worth seeing1, but the thing Opus has going for it that none of those other flops do is an inexplicably great soundtrack. Green somehow got Niles Rodgers and The-Dream to write the songs (which apparently they did between Renaissance sessions?) and then he had John Malkovich perform them. These songs have perfectly nonsensical lyrics and catchy beats and Malkovich can’t really sing, but he does a killer interpretation of one of my absolute favorite pop music things, which is confident sing-talking. (See: Gaga’s “Babylon” and Countess Luann.) “35mm” is the sing-talkiest and therefore my favorite, but “Dina, Simone” — which, in the canon of the movie, was Malkovich’s fictional pop star’s big ‘90s hit — and “Tomorrow” are similarly earwormy. These three songs make me want to dance like Parker Posey in Party Girl. These three songs make me yearn for a full Star Is Born-style album sung by “Moretti” (sure) that I know we’ll never get because Opus flopped hard with critics and at the box office. Oh well! I look forward to “35mm” topping my Spotify Wrapped.
Kraven the Hunter, dir. J.C. Chandor
Would you believe me if I said I’ve been waiting months for this piece of shit to appear on any of the 500 streaming services I subscribe to? Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Sony’s Spider-Man-free Spider-Man film universe… my dream. I am honestly pretty addicted to these ridiculous movies, but even I can’t defend this one. This is the kind of movie where you repeatedly find yourself thinking, “Okay, something’s wrong here,” over and over. It’s the kind of movie where every new scene makes you wonder how the cut you’re seeing could have possibly been the best version of the footage that was captured during filming. I do not know what I watched and I do not know that anyone involved knows what they made. Madame Web and the Venom trilogy are bananas, but I do sort of see the intention with them as, you know, movies. If anyone wants to try to explain what the intention with Kraven the Hunter was, I would listen with open ears and an open heart.
With that being said, if they made Krav2n tomorrow I’d be there.
What have you all been watching lately? Are there any March releases I absolutely have to check out? (I did not like Mickey 17 so don’t even try it.)
The best thing you can read about the Severance season 2 finale is Kelly’s excellent piece addressing all the clinically insane (my words, NOT hers) fan reactions…
…but if you want a little more after you finish that, I interviewed Tramell Tillman about Milchick’s marching band, etcetera <3
Unless you, like me, are a member of the AMC A-List familia and can see up to four movies per week with your membership, in which case I say… go, so we can talk about it.
Random but I need the boy movies literature review of what’s going on on Michael Bay’s instagram
I need to see Kevin! idc!